Episode III: Return of My Heart
by JayLaw
Summary: Episode III: Return of My Heart. Set five years after the events of Episode II: Comfort. Is there a point when the pain has become too hard to overcome?
1. Chapter 1

Episode III: Return of My Heart: Synopsis: Five years after the events of Episode II: Comfort.

A/N: This story is a reworking of The Welcome, in that, there is a welcome basket. Nothing else is the same.

I Must thank Myrtle for everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. And this would not be here now, if it weren't for Ethel, because I could NOT publish this without a real title. It had a working title, but the REAL title is what it needed for publication.

This starts at a hard M and will not apologize for the darkness.

**Return of My Heart**

It had been too long since James Butler Hickok had gotten a good fuck. A new fuck. And standing here on his own porch, looking down on _her_, remembering how _she _had felt beneath him, around him, before she'd turned him away five years ago, he was willing to bet his last chip that she'd be the best fuck of his life. Again.

Wait! What the hell?! _She_ was HERE. God. Was his damn mouth open? He shut it quick and stared. _She_ was on his goddamned doorstep. There was no way _she_ was here, now. He felt warm. He was probably breaking out in a damn sweat right now, but he couldn't give a fuck. What the hell was _she_ doing here? He felt a growl start deep in his chest and clenched his jaw. He didn't dare ease up on his grinding teeth for fear of saying something he would regret later.

If he was the man he was five years ago he would have tripped over himself in the most pitiful way. He could see it now: "Hey Lou, Oh My God, where the hell have you been? I missed you somethin' terrible. Where have you been? Why didn't you write? I've been so damn worried. Don't you know I never stopped loving you? You took my life with you when you left, but just touch me once and it'll all go away. Please touch me, god, please say you'll never leave me." That man from five years ago would have been tempted to kiss her cheek, brush his fingers over her worried brow, wrap his arms around her still-beautiful form.

He cursed internally. That's how she got you the first time, James. His inner voice had decided not to scream at him. It was being surprisingly rational, he noticed vaguely. His heartbeat thundered in his chest from the effort of controlling his body's reaction. It drowned out the sounds of the world around him for a minute. He watched her eyes close slowly, then open. Or she could have just blinked. He couldn't tell. The passage of time wasn't working right for some reason. He was still having a hard time remembering to breathe.

But, wait. Things were different now. _He_ was different now. He was Wild Bill now. He narrowed his eyes and hardened his heart. He was _not_ the same man he was five years ago. She had changed him. She had broken him. As surely as if she had ripped him apart with her own slender fingers, bit by bit. He gulped. Took a deep breath. No. This time would be different, too. It was his time now. He knew he'd have to take his time, make her want him more than their once precious, now almost not-existent friendship. Control, Jimmy. Control. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he felt something singing a single word. Revenge.

It had been five years. Five long damn years of forgetting her. Of drinking, fucking and gambling, exactly in that order. There was nothing like sitting down at a table of opponents smelling like sweat and come to throw the whole table off. It was a large part of the secret to his success.

The side of his mouth curled up into a smirk as he watched the subject of his dreams stand in front of him awkwardly, looking like she wanted to turn tail and run. Again.

He would have to go slowly, subtly with her. She was a smart one. But she also had powerful emotions that he could use to his advantage.

After all, just marrying that Kid didn't mean she was dead. He had felt her discomfort the very last time he had touched her, when he held her at her wedding at the top of the stairs. They had hugged, then she stepped back, glancing at Kid, back to him, then down as she moved closer to her new husband. It wasn't over. No matter what she had said that night in Ft. Kearney. That kind of body language didn't show for anyone else along that exit line. She still thought of him. In that way.

He remembered all the times before that, when he had held her. Kissed her. Touched her. Deeply. Thoroughly. Completely. His body tensed and his manhood throbbed in vivid memory. She had gone back to Kid because of a stupid misunderstanding. Their four days of mutual bliss and love were wiped away by a word. A word he didn't even remember uttering.

He had sucked it up then. When Kid was going through his issues with his first love, whatever that Southern bitch's name was, and Jimmy talked Lou through it, he had sucked it up. When Lou decided to fight by Jimmy's side instead of worry about her wedding dress for that moment, he fell harder and deeper in love with her, but she walked away again and he sucked it up. When he fought Kid and yet still managed to make it to walk her down the aisle at her wedding, he sucked it up.

Now, it was his time. They had all waved goodbye to Kid and Lou when they left on their trip to Virginia before the couple had apparently fallen off the face of the earth. Both Jimmy and Buck had taken it upon themselves to search for the couple, but neither were successful. They had heard rumors of Kid and Lou's estrangement, of Kid's departure for the war. He had just figured they were rumors.

What kind of friend would he be to not keep up on these things, after all? What kind of friend would he be if he didn't notice the slight flush on her face that hadn't been there when he'd answered the door? If he didn't take into account her hitched breath, the tensed muscles in her neck, the heavy breathing that pushed her damned delightful breasts firmer against her fitted pale blue blouse? Paying attention to the little things, like her eyes darkening as she noticeably gulped, was the reason he was still alive today.

God, he wanted to touch her, to run his tongue over her slightly protruding lower lip, to suck on the skin at the crook of her neck, to play his fingers lightly over her belly, trail a path ever lower to her curls, to follow with his tongue until it flicked her little button to heaven. Jesus, he needed to get laid, and soon! It was nearly his undoing, hardening him to an almost painful degree. Damnit, Bill, get your damn self under control and _hate_ her properly!

After several minutes of awkward silence, Lou opened her mouth, looked him with her big brown eyes, and said his name. To him it sounded like the first drops of rain in a parched desert. He hated himself for the shiver it sent down his spine in ecstasy. In memory.

"Jimmy?"

:::::

Stupid Ladies' Welcome Committee. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. And what in the hell was Jimmy, an older, handsomer, taller, wider, broader, scruffier Jimmy - Mr. James, rather - doing here?! Of all places? She'd spent years forgetting him and how he made her feel, and months before that fighting and ignoring her body's reaction to him after taking Elias Mills to to be hung, and now here he was making her body suddenly tighten in places she had forgotten about for years.

He certainly had filled out. Five years had done that?! Damnit, Lou, stop looking at him like that! Damnit all to hell. Bloody hell. Bloody fucking hell. She fought the snicker that seemed to be hysterically bubbling up inside as she realized she was quoting her friend, Patty, from the saloon Jeremiah worked in. She glanced up at the fine form on the porch, the reason she was quoting the English Rose in the first place.

Why the hell had she not thought of an excuse to get out of damn basket duty this time? She cursed her wandering brain and it's inability to focus long enough to get her out of this one.

: : :

"Now, Louise, dear, it IS your turn to take the basket."

She shuttered her eyelids over her rolling eyes. These damn biddies and their damn welcoming baskets. She started to suspect they were there simply to make Lou's life miserable. She couldn't remember why she had join the group in the first place, but was pretty sure she had her brother or sister to blame. Probably some crap about needing a social life. Christ, this wasn't a life. This was torture. Why wasn't Theresa here and Lou working at the shop? This was so completely Theresa's line of action. Lou's was still more along the lines of trousers, gun belt and racing across the plains on Lightning, but that wouldn't sell dresses.

The window at the back of the house let in the light from outside and a beautiful view of the meadow behind Mrs. Bird's lovely two story house. Lou knew it was lovely because there was not really another word these ladies had used yet for this house and all its trappings but "lovely".

Looking around, she figured it was alright. Nothing to write home about, but nothing to sneeze at either. Though with all the cats overrunning the place, Lou wasn't sure she could hold back from that either. She had never thought of herself as allergic to any animal, but, this horde was really pushing the envelope of what was appropriate way over the edge. Mrs. Bird's pride of cats was beginning to look like a study in that new science of that Darwin fellow.

Hmm. Maybe her less than subtle distaste for her surroundings was the reason for these biddies sending her on this fool's errand in the first place. She clenched her jaw against the choice names that flew into her mind at that thought. Staying civil in "civilized" society was going to be the death of her.

What excuse could she use this time? Taking a basket to a Mr. … erm … James, was it?

She sighed. The little homestead with the large house just outside of town. Great. Spectacular. She'd get right on that. He was supposed to come to town today? Tomorrow? He had a crew of people moving his things in already? She hadn't really been paying attention, as she was trying to decide which of her siblings she would be killing first for roping her into this stupid society, this stupid excuse for a ladies' gathering.

And what the hell was up with ladies and gathering anyway? In all her years with groups, the biggest gathering they had to talk was when Teaspoon had finally discovered she was a girl and they gathered in the sweat lodge to "talk" about it. All of ten sentences, at the most, were said. Maybe. And that was it. Lordy, she missed those days.

A gathering was supposed to clear the air, solve a problem or prevent violence. That was it. Anything else, a good ride in the country, a night out under the stars, a day or two in another town should have taken care of what was ailing them. And for the most part, it did. And what didn't get resolved, Teaspoon remedied with his plethora of confounding words of … wisdom?

Damn. She'd had no clue how damn much work it took to be a socially acceptable woman. This felt almost ridiculous.

"Penelope, would you mind reading the latest article about …"

Scratch that. This _was_ totally and completely ridiculous.

She glared at the pictures on the walls, the magazines and catalogs on the table, the clock that told her she'd be able to leave in fifteen minutes more. Her hands itched to finger her gun belt that she wasn't wearing. Her head spun with words and images of spring colors, fashionable cuts and fabrics, the things she knew she needed to keep up with for her dress shop, but at the end of the meeting was not when she wanted to be thinking about these things. Besides which, she would be reading these articles in her own time since she already had a subscription to these publications. And in her business, it had served her better to try and improve things and be on the cutting edge of fashion, not at the end of the line, since by the time something was written about, it was already old news.

She figured she should be listening, but their voices were like nails on a chalkboard. She just wanted to get the damn basket and get the hell out of here. She would make Theresa come to the next meeting. And the one after that. And the one after that. In fact, she'd have Theresa come to all these damn meetings.

God, she hated people. People were such a waste of time, energy and space. Well, most people. Her little family was doing just fine. Her little family was the light of her life. Not like this damn meeting. She couldn't care less if they were all on fire and she had a full bladder waiting in line for the outhouse, she still wouldn't piss on 'em.

She sighed loudly. The two ladies flanking her looked at her in disgust. Lou smiled almost apologetically. She didn't want to alienate her clientele and potential clients, but damn, these ladies wouldn't know what to do if they found something actually disgusting and had to deal with it. They think a sigh is the end of existence. Huh. She'd love to see any of these ladies even think about digging a hole for an outhouse, or a well for that matter. Moronic Biddies.

There were times Lou thought of running away and going back to it. Back to that life. Gun belt, hat, pants, large shapeless shirts. When people saw what she put out there. A scrawny young man, safe from the lecherous eyes of most men.

: : :

Now, on Mr. James' porch, under his intense scrutiny, she would give her right arm for any number of those things to hide herself from this man's eyes. Again, she castigated her brain for its distractedness.

She looked up at Jimmy and blamed the distracting mob of Darwin cats.

God, he looked good in his well fitted collarless long sleeve black shirt. Her heart jumped. Damnit, settle down. His black pants hugged in all the right places, and her gaze helplessly lingered on the bulge right below his belt buckle. Her stomach twittered. She had to stop herself before she started growling at her organs and tore her eyes away from his lower half.

Finally, looking back up into his eyes, she said the name she thought she would never hear again. The name her soul had been clamoring to scream since the day she said goodbye.

"Jimmy?"

"Lou?"

"What are you doing here?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Answering my door." The corner of his mouth quirked up, his lips slightly undulating with quashed smugness. He looked so calm, so relaxed with his brow wrinkling in humor. Her heart thumped hard. She'd forgotten how witty he could be. God, she hated his ability to be so cool at a time like this. He looked almost bored. "What are _you_ doing here?"

How could he be so calm when she was a complete mess inside? Damn poker face. Well, if he could be nonchalant and cool and relaxed about all this, so could she. Here goes.

She rolled her eyes. "Delivering a damn welcome basket to Mr. James from the Ladies' Welcoming Committee." She stifled an embarrassed smile. "I'm guessing that would be you?"

He bowed grandly. "That would be me, madam."

She shook her head with a wry smile. "Then I guess this would be yours, sir."

He surreptitiously perused her up and down. Opening the door to his home he gestured for her to follow him. "Well, don't just stand there, come on in!"

She was struggling to maintain a light hearted attitude. She walked past him, faintly smelling his scent of some sweet alcohol scent, cigars and, was that, freshly chopped wood? Did he still chop his own wood? That would explain the nice figure he cut - she muffled her inner voice immediately. What the hell? What was that?

She was _not_ noticing his muscles and how they lay so perfectly under his shirt. She was _not_ watching his chest rise and fall with his breath, and she was certainly _not_ admiring his relaxed yet obviously dangerous arm muscles barely leashed by his shirt sleeves. Her mind took her back to a more relaxed Jimmy, his arms under her knees, his hands braced on the ground, his face above hers as she breathed him in, gasping and moaning. Her nails clutching at his-

"Well, this is a surprise." His voice jarred her back, and she blinked the images away, focusing on him. He closed the door behind him and locked it. "What brings you to St. Joe? Last I'd heard from Emma, you were in Virginia with Kid. Before you dropped off the face of the Earth."

She nodded uncomfortably. "Plans changed."

She glanced at him, the wall, his chest, then back into his eyes. Those eyes. Those golden brown eyes. There was no mistaking those eyes, that was for damn sure. She bit her lower lip gently, casting about in her head for some way to start a conversation.

"So, 'Mr. James', huh?"

He shrugged dismissively. "It makes things easier. Drink?"

She started to shake her head but he was already headed for what appeared to be a library or study. She followed behind to see him walk to and open the liquor cabinet, getting two glasses.

"Please sit down. Make yourself comfortable." He gestured at the couch in the middle of the book-lined room. The large, plush piece of furniture faced a large fireplace with a dancing fire within.

Two well-cushioned sitting chairs and a little round tea table populated the other side of the room. It was a cozy area, with a few knick-knacks on the mantle and scattered around in bookshelves. The bookshelves were filled with a wide variety of authors, from poets to prose, to educational material, fiction, historical tomes and more. She was amazed and fascinated at the array of books he possessed.

Watching her with interest as she perused the books, he felt a stab of pride at how many times she looked surprised or shocked at a title that he had already read several times. Never had he felt so giddy to have learned to read than at this moment. He wasn't one to toot his own horn, but he _was_ proud of the fact that he was much more educated and well-read than he was when she had rejected him five years ago. He was no longer the illiterate green-horned boy he had been, once upon a time.

She browsed the shelves until he appeared at her side with her their drinks in hand, startling her. She took the glass with a gracious smile, and sipped it. The brandy burned a path down her throat. She coughed, then smiled slowly at the sweet feeling left in her mouth afterwards. She was intrigued by the flavor and the process of the drinking the brandy. The burn, then fire, then amazing sweetness.

She sipped it again, holding it in her mouth, wondering when it went from burn to sweet, if it would do it while in her mouth, or if she had to actually swallow it to get the dessert-like after effects of the liquid. It wasn't changing in her mouth yet. She swallowed a little, then waited. There was a little bit, a hint of sweetness, but it didn't fully bloom in her mouth until she had completely swallowed the alcohol. Lou smiled and looked at the glass in fascination.

She tried it again with a bigger gulp, but found that just burned more for the same amount of sweetness. She decided to just sip it slowly, but discovered it was all gone. She looked around and saw Jimmy's eyes watching her, focused like a cat on a mouse, his eyes darkened, but she couldn't tell if it was from the darkened house, the darkened study, or something else. Her heartbeat increased.

He finally noticed her watching him and his face broke into a smile, but for some reason, that smile wasn't any more reassuring than the predatory look he had given her. It was toothy and she felt like he was getting ready to pounce and devour her. She was almost positive she would protest if he did. Almost.

He looked at her empty glass, shooting her a lopsided, more genuine looking smile.

"Did you run out?" His smile faltered. He blinked, holding himself in check. His choice of words was unintentional, yet it suddenly reminded him of what he was doing here, with her, right now. 'Revenge,' his head sang.

She froze for a moment, seeing a faint darkness shadow Jimmy's eyes right before he blinked. He looked at her again, his eyes golden brown and warm. She shrugged off her misgivings, convinced the light was playing tricks with his eyes. She nodded, remembering his query. "I've never tasted anything so … interesting. It's amazing sweetness all wrapped up in a powerful burn. I would love some more."

He took in a jagged rough breath. Her words described herself perfectly.

His lips curled up on one side slowly, trying not to expose the raging fire of anger and betrayal he had been feeding for years. He gently refilled her snifter, and continued to watch her, fascinated by how quickly he could get wrapped up in her still childlike ways, yet angered at the exact same thing.

She took your heart, Jimmy Boy. She took your soul. She took them both and ran off with Kid before you could even blink. She got the drop on you, Jimmy. That can never happen again. Show her who you really are. Introduce her to Wild Bill. Show her what these last five years have made you into. These last five years of soulless emptiness and heart rending pain. She didn't even leave you with a beating heart, man! She took everything she wanted from you, then ran off with that boy who couldn't even make her happy for five fucking years. Who the hell is she to come waltzing back into your life, onto your porch with a damn 'welcome basket' and smile like she didn't hollow you out and leave you an empty shell of a man before leaving with her fucking goody-two-shoes husband. Control, Bill. Keep control.

"Lou, come sit down. Tell me what you have been doing with yourself these days." He smiled gently.

She sipped the brandy again, still intrigued by the adventure it posed. She looked up at him, feeling a little braver than she had walking in, and smiled shyly. His heart lurched. He swore at it internally.

"Well, I came here to get my brother and sister, and started a dress shop with them. We've been here ever since."

She didn't mention Kid. Interesting. He nodded at her words, watching her eyes dance, like they did in Willow Springs when he and Lou had tried wine for the first time.

_"What is this stuff, anyway?"_

_"Wine, they said."_

_Small giggle. "Ah _like_ it!"_

He cursed at himself again, refusing to get caught up in her snare a second time, like a damned fool.

She continued with a small smile, "What brings you here, James Hickok? I thought you were out," she motioned vaguely and slightly clumsily with her arm, "ridding the world of evil doers and card sharpers, and the like." She sipped at the brandy again, and smiled up at him. Despite her earlier apprehensions, it was still so easy to talk to him.

He licked his bottom lip and pulled it in to bite on it. He had to go easy, now. Carefully. He didn't want to suggest anything that might make her sober up and leave, but he didn't want to just stand here jawin' either.

He smiled down at her humorously and shook his head. "Naw, I gave up the marshal-ing thing when I started makin' more money in poker. That's why I'm here now," he said, leadingly.

Her eyebrows shot up. "Really, Jimmy? How so?"

She was feeling warm in the study with the books and the fire that seemed strangely low for how warm she was feeling. She shrugged it off. It was a warm house, she had noticed. He surreptitiously refilled her glass and his own, replaced the decanter and strode slowly to the couch while talking.

"I was in a series of poker tournaments. I had already won enough to enter."

She followed him slowly, nodding along with his tale, sipping her liquor.

"It was a high stakes game. People put up their life savings, their mining claims, their deeds to land and houses, this very one, in fact, and one even put up the deed to his saloon."

He sat on the couch, nonchalantly. She followed him down, sitting next to him. He swallowed hard, struggling against his desire to throw her down on the couch and have his way with her right here and now.

She looked up at him through heavily lidded eyes, and sighed with a smile of relief. "And you won."

His stomach clenched in need, looking at her softened beauty. He'd have to give her brandy more often if this was the result. He smiled slyly and smugly.

"I won. And here I am."

She echoed him dreamily, "And here you are." She bit her bottom lip, looking up at him with glazed eyes.

He moved closer to her face. She tilted her chin up, invitingly. He turned towards her fully and watched her neck muscles work as she swallowed and licked her lips. He leaned closer to her. She closed her eyes and parted her lips. The corner of his mouth tilted up into a sneering smile. Too damn easy.

* * *

**I MUST thank Myrtle for everything, and I mean EVERYTHING.  
And this would not be here now, if it weren't for Ethel, because I could NOT publish this without a real title. It had a working title, but the REAL title is what it needed for publication.**

**Please Review and let these wonderful authors know that their time is well spent.**


	2. Chapter 2

He brushed his lips across hers lightly, taking in her scent, her musky, grassy scent that brought back so many memories. He heard her intake of breath then a little whimper. Taking her chin between his thumb and crooked forefinger, he kissed her again, darting his tongue out between her open lips quickly before pulling it back.

She leaned into him, searching for more, pressing her lips firmly against his. She tasted like brandy and honey. His breath quickened, as did hers. He opened his lips, seeking out her tongue with his. She was just as adventurous, and her questing tongue found his to duel with.

God, he hadn't felt this alive in years. He needed more. Much more. He needed all of her. He shuddered out a breath, greedily grabbing her around her waist and pulling her closer to his body. His other arm drunkenly pushed through her hair, mashing her lips against his, consuming her open mouth with his, hungrily.

He leaned into her, pushing her back onto the couch. She pulled him with her until he was over her prone body, her legs wrapped around his hips, pushing her heat against his hardened bulge. He gasped into her mouth, the warmth radiating from her core making it impossible for him to think of anything except becoming one with her, once again.

He pushed his left hand over her bodice, tracing the shape of her hardened nipple through her blouse. His right hand pushed down between them, unfastened himself, then felt around for the slit most women had in their split pantaloons these days. His manhood found it before his hand did, and he pushed through the opening in her bloomers, finding himself sitting at the wetness of her feminine lips.

He slid his firmness along her damp folds, his buttocks thrusting, his length sliding up and down, his thick head working her little knob of ecstasy, stimulating her into a frenzy of desire. His eyes rolled back in his head in pleasure.

She pushed her fingers through his hair, kissing him deeply, thrusting her core at him, rubbing herself on his soft sack, moistening him everywhere with her need. He pulled back and pushed forward along her soaking slit, teasing her with his largeness, until he finally lodged his head in the mouth of her opening. She whimpered his name softly in his ear.

"Please, Jimmy, Please," she begged.

Her legs wrapped around his hips, her feet locked behind him. God, she felt so good. She pulled at his buttocks with her feet, trying to push him inside her. She felt like home. He stilled himself. Fuck, Jimmy, _no_! She could _not_ feel like home. She was the _enemy_!

His body screamed at him to move, to take her. His mind flashed her betrayal through his head, trying to make him take his revenge. 'She chewed you up and spit you out! Take her!' But, damn, she feels so good. So soft. So … right. He had forgotten how much he lov-

"No." His sudden deep growl made her open her eyes, unfocused. Her chest heaved deeply, legs still clasped behind his back.

"Jimmy?" Her forehead wrinkled in confusion.

His body screamed at him. His mind cursed him. Other parts were in a riotous uproar at his lack of cooperation. He wanted to be inside her. He _needed_ to be inside her. He didn't … he shouldn't …

He was supposed to take her, trap her, suck her blood dry and discard her carcass for the carrion birds. For the buzzards. Like she did to him. Five damn years ago. How did he get trapped in this web he had built for her? A little blush, a flutter of her eye lash, and he was, once again, flayed open to her, vulnerable and soft. _Damnit_!

"Lou, I - I -" His voice was breathy, almost a whisper.

The voice in his head was livid. Don't you dare apologize! Don't you _dare_ fucking apologize! He clenched his jaw and pulled back, slowly letting her legs unhook to release his waist.

Her eyes slowly focused. She stiffened immediately. Blushing crimson, she clambered backwards out from under him. He pulled her dress down over her legs, only to have her grab her dress out of his hands, and huddle in the corner of the couch, legs curled up in front of her, her dress draped all around her, covering all of her parts. She stared at him with widened eyes, shocked at her wantonness, and her eagerness to - to-

She dropped her head on her knees in shame.

Jimmy pulled his shirt over his painfully throbbing manhood. It was going to take a while for it to relax. What the hell was up with all this gentleness? He should have been bruising her hips and waist and ass with his fingers. She should be thankful he didn't have her ass in the air, face on the ground with him ramming into her and rutting her like a damn dog.

Christ. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do. How could he keep hating her when he wanted to touch her. So much. Everywhere. He was supposed to hate her. He wanted - no - _needed_ revenge. He couldn't sleep at night, he needed it so badly.

She had hurt him so thoroughly, so completely. It had seemed like a simple enough idea. An easy plan. It just came to him, seeing her on his doorstep. Fuck her and forget her, like she did with him. He didn't want to be gentle with her. He wasn't in this for the personal connection or whatever the ladies claim it's all about, these days.

He wasn't going to get all lovey and shit with her. He didn't love her. He just wanted her. She was not his home. She was not allowed to feel like home. He had no home. Especially not one that had her waiting. She was nothing, damnit, nothing! He should have been able to take her and toss her like nothing. _Nothing_! Just like she had done with him. Just like he'd been doing to women for years.

He glared at her with a sidelong glance. He wanted to grab her by the shoulders, push himself inside her and release the last 5 years of hopelessness and anger into her. Why couldn't he? What the hell was wrong with him? Why did he get so lost in her touch? In her breath? In her arms?

When he could finally push himself back into his pants, he did so and fastened up. Jimmy stood, looking down at her petite figure, made even smaller by the ball she had curled herself into on the couch. He couldn't forgive her. Who could?

He wanted to _take_ her. But he wasn't taking. She was giving. Gladly. Generously. He sighed. Like she always did of herself. Fuck, she'd felt so goddamned good. She felt as good today as she did five years ago. Maybe even better.

A simple assignment, prisoner transport to Fort Kearney, taking convicted murderer Elias Mills to be hanged. The four day trip not only transformed the man from conniving stranger to friend and mentor, it also changed Jimmy and Lou from friends into more. Ever so much more. Every moment replayed in vivid detail in his head. Every time he touched her on that trip, every moan, every thrust, every whimper, every second was taking over his brain.

Until he was reminded of every tear he refused to shed when she went back to HIM. He remembered every gunfight he was in. He remembered how, for just a moment, every single time, he almost didn't move, almost didn't draw, almost didn't shoot. The pain of a bullet wound would be less than the pain in his non-existent heart. The heart she had taken with her. He had hoped he wouldn't be fast enough, so he could welcome the peace and tranquility of eternity.

He had to get her out of here before he did something else he'd regret. Like hold his head to her breast and listen to her heartbeat to make sure she was real. Like stroking her face while looking adoringly into her eyes. Like whispering his lov-

"Get out." He strode to the study door, and turned to the ball of dress on the couch.

Her head shot up in shock.

"I said," he growled, "get out!" The growl became a roar.

She jumped off the couch quickly, staring at him with large eyes, hers never leaving his large form. Oh god, not again. He was throwing her out again. Her hand flew to the base of her throat, covering her heart, curling into a fist. He strode quickly to the front door, unlocking it and opening it wide for her. No. She shuddered in a breath, putting pressure on her chest to make her heart stop throbbing in pain and shame. It hurt. It actually hurt.

She glanced at him, then at the open doorway. He scared her now. Much more than he had when she left him the first time. Keeping her eyes on him, she skirted around him as far as she could go until she reached the door and quickly ran through it. Before she could step off the porch, he slammed the door behind her loudly and with finality.

::::

He strode back to the study angrily with long strides. He looked at her glass, laying on the carpet where it fell when he kissed her. What the hell was he thinking? She was right there! He threw himself back on the couch and glared at the fire.

He looked down at the space beside him. Would it smell like her? He remembered the last time he had touched her intimately. Delving into her heat with his tongue and fingers, her scent driving him insane with lust. Right before she told him she was staying with Kid. That she couldn't give up on him. That - that Kid had her heart.

His elbows on his knees, he buried his face in his hands, five years worth of moisture seeping through his fingers slowly.

He bent over, retrieving her glass from the carpet and went to his liquor cabinet to fill it full. He found one of the several places her lips had been, placed his lips on the same spot, and drank deeply, licking the area after draining the glass. He let out a shaky breath, ignoring the wet trails on his face, and filled the glass again.

::::

Lou stood on the bottom step of Jimmy's porch, with shuddering breaths, trying to figure out what happened. And trying not to break down in view of the world. As Theresa was always fond of saying, someone always had their eye on you. Probably learned that from the nuns at the orphanage. She shook out her skirts, and ran her trembling fingers through her hair, in the hopes that it wouldn't look as mussed as she imagined it did.

She was hot. And wet. And couldn't remember ever being more ashamed. She took Lightning's reins, and mounted her, wincing at the soreness between her thighs. How the hell did that even happen? All he did was - Oh. Right. Damn. She didn't remember him being that... size … before. She could feel herself still dripping. Her stomach fluttered. Her face burned.

She nudged the mare with her heels and started on the mile ride back home. His body had filled out greatly. He had grown in so many ways, matured so much that she almost didn't recognize him anymore. Jimmy wasn't there. Well, almost wasn't there. He was so hard. Cold. And yet, she had wrapped her legs around him - her stomach clenched and she blushed, recalling, again, her wanton and easy actions with him.

Why was it so damn easy to let go around him? Early on, ever since he'd found out she was a girl, he had been terribly easy to talk to. Was it his smile that said "I'm listening"? His eyes that said "Tell me more"? How safe she used to feel around him, no matter how angry at the world he got? Even now, she'd just opened up to him. In so damn many ways. She blushed furiously, again. He was … so … much … more … Her heart flip-flopped.

How could she have let go of everything just at the mere sight of him? If it weren't for his strength? Control? She'd be screaming his name in ecstasy right now. Her stomach twittered and she whimpered. Oh God, he never stopped being delicious. She shouldn't, she knew, but she desired him almost more than air, right now. How did he do that? How was he able to reduce her to a quivering bowl of feminine need just by breathing?

She did him wrong. She knew that. Not a day went by that she didn't think about how things could have been different. _Should_ have been different. Not for the first time in the last five years, she cursed the Kid. The wave of guilt that followed flooded her eyes with tears. She sighed, sadly. She couldn't blame him, either. She'd made the choice.

She'd believed Kid's well-spun tales and promises of growing old, of a family, of a life and a future together. She'd believed Kid when he said that settling in St. Joe, the moment they had discovered her pregnancy, was the best thing for their little family to do.

"Hell, no, we are NOT traveling back to Rock Creek while you are pregnant, Lou! That'd be harmful to our baby! You heard what the doctor said!" She could do nothing but sigh and agree in the face of his vehemence.

They'd happily gotten Jeremiah and Theresa out of the orphanage together. She'd believed him enough to try her hand at a dressmaking shop, with upstairs living space. One like she and Charlotte had talked about so long ago. That Charlotte had given her the money for. She believed in the soundness of the plan. Kid thought that would be the best use of her energies and abilities. And because it would be socially acceptable for her to do.

'Because the Good Lord knew how eager she was to be socially acceptable,' She thought to herself, rolling her eyes and stroking Lighting's neck as they continued their short ride home.

She had believed. Until she'd noticed Kid watching the grey coats heading east. Every day, he would watch more and more headed towards General Lee's war. He watched with a gleam in his eye. He watched with the faraway gaze of other dreams. Of other lands. Homelands. Of pride, of promises, of ancestry and loyalty.

He had promised to be by her side, to build a life with her. He promised to grow old with her. To build a family with her. Where were those promises now? He promised he was going to be with her through thick or thin. But then he found something better, something stronger than their love or vows.

When he finally told her his decision, there was not a dry eye left between them. Nor was there any salvageable tableware. The metal plates and cups had all received irreparable dents from the wall to which they had been forcefully introduced. What little glassware they'd had either shattered behind Kid or on the floor after hitting him in the head, shoulder, back, and even chest when he couldn't dodge or deflect quickly enough. He had promised her all these things, she had shouted, and now he was leaving to fight for a cause that killed Noah!

He was gentle and placating. He had been torn from the beginning, but there was nowhere he could turn and not see reminders of how he was letting down the memory of his family. His mother and brother and the entire South.

"_We_ are your family," she had railed at him. "Me, this baby," she covered her slightly distended belly with a protective hand, "Jeremiah, Theresa! _We_ are your future! I left -" she swallowed his name and quickly changed the thought, "-home for you!" The image of Jimmy's heartbroken and angry face when she had told him swam behind her closed eyes.

Her pause had made Kid think it was difficult to get the thought out.

"I'm so sorry, Lou." He braved her anger to come to her and gather her in his arms. She sobbed, her heart breaking. She couldn't believe he had spun a tale of dreams so thoroughly and vividly that she had gotten sucked in completely. She had left Jimmy for Kid's promises, for his dreams. She balled her hands into fists and banged them against his chest, furious, distraught, and lost. She'd felt used, like she was just an accessory and not a partner and confidant like she should have been to her husband. He was supposed to keep her safe and protect her, physically and emotionally. He had promised. Now he was leaving. Discarding her like she was last year's newspaper.

Lou blinked and patted her faithful mount on the neck. She tried to fight the memories she knew were coming. She refused to let the tears fall. She looked around. Almost home. Lightning, thank God for Lightning. Lightning had gotten her through some hard times. Some very hard times.

An envelope had arrived two years after Kid left, only the third from him to get through the post. She'd been so excited to open it, starving for news from Kid. The previous letters had talked about how well he was doing, how lucky he was to not have a scratch on him, how safe he was, how much support he was getting from his comrades, even though he did get a good bit of ribbing about his Northerner wife.

She would look forward to the missives with a bitter mix of hope and anxiety. Hope that he was doing well and still alive, and anxiety from her own torn up emotions of love and abandonment, anger that he was doing so well while she was miserable without him, running a household and supporting three people all by herself. Theresa and Jeremiah would always watch her open the letters with hopeful smiles, to see the joy and relief on her face.

She'd opened the message reverently, and started reading silently, as usual. Her siblings had known the moment something was wrong. Her lips had parted, her face lost all its color, and her hand holding the letter fell to the table, nerveless.

Theresa had rushed to Lou's side in concern, and slipped the papers from her sister's numb fingers. She read it out loud to Jeremiah. She'd stumbled over the formal language, pausing at words like "abandonment" and "dissolution" and stopping completely at the word "divorce," looking at Jeremiah in shock.

When the shock finally wore off after a few weeks, Lou railed and cursed and paced and growled for months. She hadn't planned to, but her anger pushed her to finally file the papers. She was becoming unbearable to live with, her anger at Kid's callous disregard of all their vows, of all his promises, finally ending in this bundle of papers.

She'd hoped that she could finally start picking up the pieces and move on. And she had. Throwing herself into her work at the dress shop and her family life, she gave them her all. Her reason for living was in the little family they were together.

Until _the_ telegram. Barely a few months after filing for and getting the approval for divorce, she had received the notice.

The devastating news had left her hollow and broken for months. The shock overwhelmed her into helpless stagnation. When she wasn't sitting, staring emptily at the wall, or wandering aimlessly, she would suffer from rare and disturbing panic attacks that left everyone in the house shaken.

The walls of the house would start to close in on her, threatening to suffocate her in her grief. Those were the times she'd grab Lightning and ride as hard and fast as she could. Stopping wasn't an option for her until after she had screamed and cried herself out, on the prairie, far from civilization. When nothing was left to her but her salt streaked face, her raw throat and an all-consuming exhaustion, she'd curtail the temptation to just keep riding wherever the winds blew and, half asleep, she'd turn Lightning towards the general direction of home, and trust her mount to get her safely there.

Theresa, ever the compassionate caregiver, kept their little family together and as healthy as she could. She nursed Lou back to some semblance of emotional health to the best of her ability. Lou had seen, through Theresa self sacrifice and work to keep everything together, that their little family was crumbling while she was wallowing in her misery.

Slowly, Lou had found her own strength again. She would follow Jeremiah to the saloon on occasion, to his chagrin, when Theresa had to work. She'd met several of the saloon girls who worked there.

One in particular had caught Lou's attention, even as deep as she was in her depression, and over time, they had become good friends. Lou liked her matter-of-fact, no-nonsense way of talking. The woman's candor and honesty towards the world, worked to pull Lou out of her darkness when no amount of consoling or cajoling would.

She wondered if the English Rose would ever know how much her friendship had helped her. They would always end up talking late into the night, quite often, sharing pain, heartache, and baring their souls to each other.

::::

"_But you were married! You have a kid!"_

_Lou shrugged sheepishly, looking around the room in avoidance._

"_Yeah, well... We weren't the most passionate couple," her eyes stared off. Patty saw the stars in her eyes, and knew there was someone else. Lou needed to find that spark again. Lou shook her head, pulling herself out of her reverie, "I mean, don't get me wrong, he was a wonderful husband … ya know … for however long that lasted." She shrugged, disheartened. "But... it just wasn't - HE just wasn't what I needed." She gave a rueful half smile. "Ya know what I mean?"_

_Patty nodded, "Oh, honey, do I ever! Why settle for vanilla when there are many other flavors out there, right?!" She laughed, "Strawberry, chocolate, caramel …." She paused, narrowing her gaze on Lou. "But, it looks as though you already know what flavor you need. Had it before, have we?" She raised an eyebrow and smiled a lopsided smile._

_Lou blushed, looking down and nodding._

"_A long time ago," her voice was almost a whisper. "He was..." she closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip. A sigh came out, sounding like a whimper._

"_Damn, girl! After all this time?"_

_She opened her moistened eyes and nodded, the wrinkle between her eyebrows deepened considerably._

_She whispered, "Always."_

_Her thumbnail found its way between her front teeth and she nibbled on it lightly, shame and heartbreak settling over her like a thick and heavy cloak._

"_I never should have left him," she lowered her head, fat tears dropping onto her pants._

_Patty rubbed her back soothingly, wrapping her arms around the petite woman's shoulders. _

"_Sweetheart," she whispered, "if it was meant to be, it still can be."_

_Lou looked up, tears rolling down her face, yet with a glimmer of hope._

"_You think so, Patty?"_

_The older woman nodded with determination, "I _know_ it will be, sweetie."_

::

The click of her front door closing brought Lou back to the present. She blinked in confusion. The short horsehairs and grainy oat powder on her hands told her she had taken care of Lightning without even noticing. The last time anything like that had happened so automatically was …. She swallowed hard. It was when she was riding for the Express. When things were easier. Happier. And Jimmy looked at her with … nothing resembling the disgust and hate and raw anger in his eyes today.

She leaned against the door and caught her breath, glancing around. No one was in the room. She lowered her head, and her legs buckled out from under her. Her back slid down the door until her bottom met the floor, her forehead met her knees and she finally released the hot tears she had been holding in since leaving Jimmy's house. She grabbed a layer of her skirts to try and muffle her sobs. He wasn't the same. He wasn't 'Her Jimmy'. But then again, he never really was, was he? Four days didn't really make him hers, did it? The tears rolled down her face like rivers. She'd made him. She did that. And once the whole truth came out, it would all be much worse.

::::::

Jimmy swirled the amber, almost maroon liquid in the glass as he stared into the firelight. The wedding. The big fat stupid wedding. He gave her away. He did that. He had agreed. Her big day. But even before that day, his self-hatred and self disgust had already eaten away at him. Had already hollowed him out and replaced him with an act. He acted fine. He acted happy for her. He acted like this was the best thing she could do for herself. And he hated. He shuddered in disgust, remembering that night before Lou's wedding.

"Oh, James! Yes!" The thin, dark-haired woman had cried out his name, moaning in ecstasy and convulsing in his arms, purring in contentment. Then came the cold. It wasn't from the cooling sweat. It was the words, the pleasured cries. They sounded all wrong. Rosemary's voice wasn't what had haunted his dreams and his waking hours constantly. Knowing the reality now, he knew it wasn't her. Teasing him, confiding in him, calling his name in ecstasy. Not even close.

He should have felt euphoric as he stroked himself to completion on Rosemary's belly and collapsed to her side. His first since …. He should have felt sated. Instead he felt empty. Lou's voice rang in his ears, saying his name in a thousand different ways, but he would never again hear it like that. Never again as a prayer.

It was only thing in life worth living for, now. To hear Lou say his name again as he joined his flesh with hers. He cursed himself. It was too late. She was marrying the man many considered to be his brother the next day.

He should have done something … more, something … bigger. He should have said something more in Fenton. He should have … kissed her, touched her. He'd had almost two months after Ft. Kearney to do something. He could have changed her mind, instead of just backing off. He should have said something!

But it wouldn't have changed a thing. Not a god damned thing. Kid WAS the better man for her. He was safer. She would be safer with him. He didn't have every gunman in the country gunning for him. He didn't have … he didn't have to give away the love of his life, who probably would have held her own or better against all the evil of the world. Jimmy growled.

If she had stayed, Jimmy would have changed. He would have gone into hiding. He was going to change everything for her. He remembered that. He was even going to change his last name for her. He would have run away to a place no one knew them and started a new life with her. They could have started a ranch or a farm out in the middle of nowhere. He would have worked his fingers to the bone to keep her safe and happy. But it wasn't enough. It was never enough. Kid was always there. Kid would have always been there.

So he stepped back. He "gave her away." Just like everyone expected him to. And she was glowing. Almost too brightly. Just like everyone expected her to. Bah. Who was he kidding. She never would have listened to him. She never would have heard him. She'd decided on the Kid and nothing Jimmy ever could have done would have dissuaded her from that decision.

But, he'd held on to that hope of her coming to her senses. Of her remembering how good it was when they were together. And his hope kept the wound of her leaving open and exposed. She never came back. And the wound got ugly. So he'd covered it up where no one could see it.

And it festered. He festered. He hated. He existed. Bitter and alone. The air he breathed smelled bitter. The food he ate tasted bitter. The life he lived oozed bitterness.

Less than a week after the wedding, he had found Rosemary writhing and moaning under the pale buttocks of Jake Coulter. He couldn't bring himself to care beyond the stray thought that he hadn't even known the bounty hunter was in town. The bastard hadn't even stopped by to say "hi" for old times sake.

Jimmy'd left the next day. He had wandered. Just wandered. For several months. From town to town. Drinking, gambling, and taking all comers, young and old. Anyone who even THOUGHT about Wild Bill was challenged to meet his Colts head on.

The moniker brought him all forms of homage, from drinks to preferred seating at the tables to women. Lots of women. Single, not-so-single, professionals and starry eyed innocents. He didn't care. He didn't give a flying fuck who they were, as long as they warmed his bed for the night. Nights alone were rare. Even when he wanted peace and quiet, he rarely found it. He'd lost track of how long he lived by the bottle and the gun. He'd even taken a couple stints as the local law before finding it too constrictive and moving on.

His gambling had paid off big. He'd used his meager lawman salary to buy into various tables, passing time at various saloons, until he had decided that the saloon life was where he wanted to focus his dwindling energies for life. He spent his days and nights playing the game of chance, fortune smiling on him almost constantly. The years passed with barely a nod of notice from Jimmy.

He needed to retire Wild Bill, and soon. He'd started using James as a last name, purely for the anonymity provided him. He thought of his promise that he'd made in his heart to Lou, to change his last name for her and cracked a bitter smile. He'd done it anyway. For himself. He rarely thought of her, anymore. He rarely _allowed_ himself to think of her. When he finally won the huge poker game, he'd won a saloon to run and a home to settle down in.

He'd spent his years learning how to control himself, teaching himself how to keep his emotions even and his temper in check. He'd had to become cool and calculating, while being able to defuse tempers and calm raging alcoholics. He'd had the world in the palm of his hand.

Until her. Until she showed up on his doorstep. She stood there and tore down every single defense he'd constructed, every one of his carefully crafted walls he'd built around himself. With a damn blush and a smile. He was _not_ going down. Not by her. Not again.

Jimmy's blood shot eyes watched, he realized, the second sunset since Lou'd left. He'd drunk his liquor cabinet dry. He growled. The room turned from the fiery oranges and blood reds of the vivid sunset outside to the grey shades of twilight and finally was swallowed up in the black darkness of night. He should rebuild the fire, he figured. It was the only warmth he was ever going to get out of life, anymore.

She had felt so good, here, on his couch, under his body. So right. He cursed himself. He could have been inside her right now, feeling her tightness around him, breathing her breath, tasting her lips, hearing her voice moan his name with every thrust of possession and overwhelming desire he had inside him. He could have made her his again.

His eyes narrowed on the empty and cold fireplace. He didn't want to want her. He wanted to fuck her. He wanted to use her. He didn't want to care. He wanted to take her apart, piece by piece, like she had him. He wanted to see her weak, groveling, and destroyed. He would. Soon, he placated himself. Very, very soon.

* * *

:

**Again, Myrtle, I thank thee. If you would like my first born, please. Take him. Dear god, please. ;)**

**Please read, enjoy and review and let me know if it's all you were hoping it would be. And if not, remember, it's not fitting my view of what I was hoping it would be either. Heh.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Previously, on Episode III: Return of My Heart:**

_Jimmy's blood shot eyes watched, he realized, the second sunset since Lou'd left. He'd drunk his liquor cabinet dry. He growled. The room turned from the fiery oranges and blood reds of the vivid sunset outside to the grey shades of twilight and finally was swallowed up in the black darkness of night. He should rebuild the fire, he figured. It was the only warmth he was ever going to get out of life, anymore._

_She had felt so good, here, on his couch, under his body. So right. He cursed himself. He could have been inside her right now, feeling her tightness around him, breathing her breath, tasting her lips, hearing her voice moan his name with every thrust of possession and overwhelming desire he had inside him. He could have made her his again._

_His eyes narrowed on the empty and cold fireplace. He didn't want to want her. He wanted to fuck her. He wanted to use her. He didn't want to care. He wanted to take her apart, piece by piece, like she had him. He wanted to see her weak, groveling, and destroyed. He would. Soon, he placated himself. Very, very soon._

::::

::::::

::::

The bell above the door jingled and Mr. Mackey looked up to greet his latest customer. He was tall and broad, in his long black overcoat. The man, who was at least a foot taller than the stout store owner, had his head down, so his hat brim covered his face as he stepped in. The tall man stalked to the counter.

"Candy," the scruffy looking man growled.

Mr. Mackey nodded emphatically, "Of course, Mr...?"

"James."

Mr. Mackey's eyes widened in recognition. "Ahhhh, yes, of course, Mr. James. We have a wide array of -"

"Gimme 20 of everything you got."

The storekeeper's eyes widened now in excitement. "Oh, absolutely, Mr. James."

"Whatdya got to drink, round here?"

The short man gulped, "S-sir?"

"I need whiskey, brandy, cognac, maybe some sherry too. Good labels. Older years. And no cheap shit. Nothin' watered down." He pinned the store keep with glittering eyes. "I'll know."

Robert Mackey, for the first time since moving to the quiet outskirts of St. Joe, felt like prey staring into the hypnotic gaze of a predator. A very big and very deadly predator. In all his years as a merchant, he couldn't remember ever filling out an order for candy faster. Ever.

::::::::

With a large sack of sweets in his arm, and an even larger order of liquor to be delivered to his home later, Jimmy stepped out of the store, sucking on a sarsaparilla candy stick. He rubbed his chin and neck, scratching at the 2 days of growth he was going to have to clean up later today. He smirked. Running out of alcohol in the middle of a good bender was never a fun thing, but at least now he had candy to make up for the loss of alcohol. And in a few hours, he'd be back on track, drowning his misery.

Despite his pounding head, or perhaps because of it, Jimmy wasn't sure which, he sat down on the bench in front of the general store to close his eyes and soak up the small town atmosphere that still existed at the outskirts of St. Joes. He tilted his hat down over his face and leaned back, working the candy stick absently with his lips and teeth. Maybe if he waited long enough, some of his order might be ready and he could take it with him today. Then he wouldn't have to wait for the delivery boy to bring it by later. He could continue on with drowning his emotions in peace.

He tuned his ears to listening to the small noises, the birds chirping at a distance, dogs barking, wagons rolling on some cross streets, and horses whinnying from hitching posts near the buildings. A tingling at the back of his neck made him feel like he was being watched.

Subtly, he opened his right eye, tilted his hat up slightly, and scanned the surrounding street. Finding nothing out of the ordinary, he closed the eye and leaned his head back. The sensation didn't go away. Finally, he pushed up his hat, opened both eyes and sat up, deeply perusing the surrounding overhangs, streets, doorways and windows. He cursed internally at the niggling feeling of being watched.

Leaning down to push himself up and take cover, he came face to face with a tow headed, chubby cheeked little boy, with big, light brown eyes and wispy curly hair.

"Jesus!" Jimmy pulled back fast, heart beating like a jackrabbit's.

The kid's blunt little nose sniffled quietly. His cupid-bow upper lip parted from his full and slightly protruding lower lip to expose several little white teeth. He was staring at Jimmy. Or more specifically, he was staring at the candy hanging from the gunfighter's mouth.

Jimmy tried to breathe deep, to calm his heart. Who the hell...? Damn. He stared into the kid's eyes. Little man snuck up on Wild fucking Bill. He snorted in disbelief. The boy just stared at Jimmy's candy in his mouth and blinked once. Jimmy leaned back on the bench and stared right back. 'Whew,' he thought. 'If this kid were any quieter, I might think he was dead.' The boy blinked again.

"Well, I'll be goddamned," Jimmy said, narrowing his eyes at the little guy, looking closer. The boy peered back. "If you don't look just like my baby sisters did when they were just short stuff. Just like you." Jimmy ruffled the little guy's head and sighed, smiling wistfully.

"Well, shit, kid," the gunfighter muttered, glancing around quickly. "You don't tell nobody you got the drop on ol' Wild Bill," he almost swallowed the name, belatedly realizing what he was saying, then sighed, "I won't tell nobody 'bout the candy I'm about to give ya. Deal?"

The boy nodded with a solemn face and twinkling eyes. Smart kid. Jimmy's mouth twitched a little smile as he reached into the bag of sweets he had. After that revelation to the kid, Jimmy wanted to kick himself. He didn't know this kid from Adam, and suddenly he was his closest confidant? The kid was like … four damn years old, or something. What was he thinking? Something about this kid just made him open up. He sighed again and pulled out a lemon stick for the toddler. The boy's eyes lit up in glee, as his dimpled hand and chubby little fingers reached for the sweet. He clambered up onto the bench next to Jimmy and started sucking on the lemon stick, still staring at Jimmy. 'Damn,' he thought, 'second time in my life someone got the drop on me. First Lo-' He cut off the thought quickly, not wanting or willing to go down that path he was trying to drink himself off of.

In the distance, he heard a panicked voice calling, "Eli! Oh my god, Jerry, do you see him? Eli!"

The little kid raised his eyebrows and looked around. A deeper voice called the same name.

"Eli! Where are ya, little guy?"

The young boy, with his now big eyes, whispered something that sounded like Dewy.

With an exasperated sigh, Jimmy called out, "Is this the guy you're lookin' for?"

He put stern eyes on the young escapee, "Did you leave your mommy and daddy, little man?"

The boy lowered his head in realization then raised it with tears in his eyes. He nodded.

"Mommy," he whispered.

Jimmy called out, still staring at the little guy in humorous reproach, "Ma'am, I think your little one is -"

She came rushing across the boardwalk in a flurry of blue and skirts, "Oh my god! Elias James McCloud!"

Jimmy's smile faded quickly, memories of Elias Mills and the four day journey transporting him to his hanging flooded his mind. The four days he and Lou …

Jimmy looked up with one thought. No. He stumbled off the bench and onto his feet, his back connecting with the wall behind him. Her voice. His little face. No. God, no. She ran to the bench, dropping onto her knees in concern.

"Elias! God, Eli, you can't DO that! You can't just walk off without telling me or Jerry!" Her hands ran all over him, checking him for injury or abuse, assuaging her fears, before hugging him tightly to her. "Eli," she whispered. "Never, please, never do that again." The little blonde nodded. She finally stood up.

"Thank you so much, sir, for-" Her eyes met his and her breath stuttered to a stop. "Jimmy," she whispered.

She watched his eyes dart between her and little Elias. He tilted his chin just so. In an unspoken question. His forehead furrowed.

She looked at Jimmy's scraggly hair, the unkempt growth on his face and curled her fingers into a fist. She couldn't reach out and touch him. She wasn't allowed to cup his face in her hands. To push herself up on her toes and brush his lips with hers. It was not her place. She gave that up when she walked away from him five years ago. She swallowed.

His eyes zeroed in on her throat working in what seemed like nervous anticipation. His face crumbled in anguish and recognition for just a moment. Lou followed his line of sight to Eli and quickly shook her head. She opened her mouth to explain but nothing came out. His hand curled up into a fist that he pressed to his forehead. She took a breath, looking for something to forestall his anger, but he held up his other hand, palm out to stop her, his eyes still closed. He shook with rage. She trembled watching him. When he finally opened his eyes to her, the anger, hate and betrayal that swam in them stopped her breath. She shook her head, reaching a hand out to his arm.

"Please-"

"Unko Dewy," Eli shook his mother's hand and pointed with his candy occupied other one. Jimmy lowered his fist from his forehead and looked up to see a young man, of about seventeen making his way towards them.

"Little man! Damn!" Jeremiah picked up Elias and held him up over his head and jiggled him on his hands causing the boy to squeal in laughter.

"Jerry, language," she absently chastised, still staring into Jimmy's eyes.

He shot a crooked smile while staring up at a giggling Elias. "Lou, he's lucky that's all I am allowing myself right now." Jeremiah looked at his sister again, finally noticing the large man she was staring at. He furrowed his eyebrows, "Sis?" Jeremiah peered closer at the scruffy faced man whose eyes had not left Eli since Jeremiah had walked up. "Mr. James?" The young man's eyes widened in recognition of his boss.

Jimmy tipped his hat at the young man, "Mr. McCloud, my best bouncer! I didn't recognize you in the daylight." Jimmy smiled. Lou could see the effort it took. Her eyebrows came together in concern before pasting on a smile for Jeremiah also and turning.

"He found Eli."

"Rather, the little guy found me," Jimmy shot the boy a lopsided grin. "I've heard of a sweet tooth, but, this little guy takes the cake."

Jeremiah laughed, settling Elias on his shoulder, "And the pie, and the cookies, and the candy …."

"Tandy," Elias nodded firmly in agreement, showing his lemon stick.

"Obviously," Jimmy whispered and smiled at the boy. "Just like his pa, I'll bet," he muttered. He heard Lou stumble over a breath. His heart flipped so hard it hurt. He tipped his hat at Jeremiah, shot a long glance at Elias, then narrowed his eyes at Lou a moment before mounting up and riding off. Hard.

Jeremiah looked at Lou. "Guess he had to leave." She shrugged. "Lou, are you alright? You look a little pale." She took Elias from her brother, silently, still dazed and concerned. "Huh. We should have him over for dinner sometime." She nodded in agreement absently as she started walking home, Jeremiah behind her. "Sometimes he reminds me of one of them guys you was riding with when you came to the orphanage, sis. You know, back in the Express days. The ones you told us stories about."

"Huh," she kept walking, not hearing Jeremiah's words.

::::

'How the hell long does it take to deliver a few bottles of alcohol? Damnit, the sugar just ain't cuttin' it anymore. Water, I can drink water with the sugar. That'd help. Damn, who knew water could taste so damn good? Door. Knocking on the door. That'd better be my liquor or I'm going to - What the hell? What's she doing here?'

"Jimmy?"

"Lou..."

'Goddamn, she's back. Here. Control, Jimmy, control, damnit! This time, it's all you. You are the master. You have your control. You've learned your lessons. Control yourself. Control her.'

"Jimmy." She's timid. Quiet. Humbled? Damn, who would have thought? Lay eyes on a little kid that looked like him, and suddenly- "Jimmy, I know what you're think-"

"Hey, Mr. James?" Jimmy looked up to see Mr. Mackey's wagon and orange haired delivery boy pulling up to the front gate. Finally. "I'm Heathcliff from Mr. Mackey's?" The freckle faced boy looked like he was competing with the sun to see who could beam the brightest. Jimmy snorted in humor.

"Come on in!" Jimmy yelled back. "Bring the stuff with ya!" Jimmy frowned down at Lou on his doorstep. Again. Offering her a drink wouldn't be all bad, would it? He shrugged.

"Lou." She looked up at him with big eyes. His mouth quirked up on one side. His eyes turned stormy. "Won't you come in?"

She followed behind Jimmy as he led the way into the house, Heathcliff right on her heels. The boy put the very full box on the ground in the middle of the kitchen between Jimmy and Lou and returned to the wagon for the rest of the order.

Jimmy and Lou watched the boy perform his task, bringing box after box into Jimmy's kitchen, the boy chattering a mile a minute about the size of Jimmy's order and how happy he was to be delivering such an important order to Mr. James. Lou stifled a smile at the boy's enthusiasm. When the red-head finally finished the back breaking work, Jimmy gave the boy a dollar. The young man's eyes almost popped out if his head.

"Mr. James! Thank you!" He pumped the big man's hand vigorously. Jimmy couldn't help but smile back at the bright young man, as he walked out, head held high.

Jimmy looked at the small pile of boxes now populating his dining room. Finding the box he was looking for, he pried the top off and pulled out a dusty sealed bottle of cognac. He stiffled a smile. If she thought she liked the brandy ….

He wiped the label with his thumb, studying the bottle. Good brand, nice year. Actually from France. He'd have to have Mr. Mackey keep this in stock. He shifted his eyes from the bottle to Lou, looking at her through his eyebrows.

"Split a bottle with me?" Lou opened her mouth, looking like she was going to shake her head. "For old time's sake, of course," he tilted the corner of his lips in an approximation of a wry smile.

She shook her head, "Um …."

He glared at her and huffed in annoyance, taking the bottle and heading to the study. She followed behind, wanting to get his mind off Elias as quickly as possible. He handed her a glass.

"Sit down and try this. If you liked the brandy, you're gonna love this."

She took it with a sigh and absently sipped at it, the barrage of flavors temporarily fascinating her. But, she remembered she was her for a purpose. She sat on the edge of the couch gingerly. He followed suit, making himself comfortable in a big way on the couch.

"Jimmy, I wanted to -"

"Ya know, that - that, Elias, was it?"

She looked up at him with widened eyes, nodding hesitantly

"He sure is adorable."

She nodded more enthusiastically. "He's the light of my life," she said wistfully.

"Yeah, I'll bet. That name. It sure does ring a bell, ya know?"

She forced a smile. "Does it now?" She took another sip of the potent liquid. He hid a smile. "How interesting. Eli seems like quite a common name. I had an uncle with that name."

"I thought you didn't have any living relatives," he pointed out softly.

"Well, one came out," she shrugged dismissively raising her chin in defense.

"Mother's side or … fathers?"

"Mother's, of course."

"And he just happened to track you down between your wedding and the birth of your child."

She shrugged.

"In St. Joe."

She nodded defiantly.

"And he made such an impression on both of your lives that you decided to name your son after him."

She nodded again, "It happened. So?"

"No reason," he narrowed his eyes on her.

"He was a wonderful man and we are sad that he has gone," her smile started fading. "He meant so much to us in the short time we knew him... " she trailed off, looking down like she was actually remembering someone. The fading of her smile told him she was. He didn't think it was a long lost uncle, though. This was getting real for her.

"Yeah. And ya know, come to think of it, he looks a damn sight close to what my baby sisters looked like when they were just that age."

Lou shrugged, taking another sip, "He's just a baby. They all look the same at that age."

"You know, you might just be right."

She nodded in hesitant relief, her eyes fixed on the dark brown liquid in her glass. She swallowed the last of it, hoping it would steel her nerves for the rest of this conversation.

"Strange though how he looks almost exactly like my baby picture my sisters were always so fond of sharing with each and every person who would listen as I grew up."

"Jimmy, all babies are that adorable. The eyes, the cheeks."

"The golden eyes?"

Her eyes shot back up at him. "He has brown eyes. Brown. Like mine."

He shot her a lopsided smile, tilting his chin to the right. "Lou." His questioning eyes seemed to shoot right through her.

Her assured demeanor fled as he reminded her of that night, just with that little tilt of doubt. That move that had her questioning everything she ever knew and believed to be right in her life. That tilt of his chin that told her he saw the meaning and truth behind her words. The glass slipped from her fingers, thudding onto the thick Persian rug unheeded. She couldn't breathe. She struggled silently through parted lips to heave in any breath, any air she could, but it didn't seem to be working. It was hotter than hades suddenly. She needed air. She needed to get outside. She stood up.

"I ... gotta go," she rasped through a dry throat. Jimmy stood as well. She shook her head. "No, I'm just ... I'll just be ... I gotta ..."

"Gotta what, Lou?" Jimmy whispered menacingly in her ear. She gasped. He was too close. Too close to her. Too close to the truth. How had he moved so fast? She wasn't ready. For him. For the truth.

He stalked around to her front. She backed up, closing her eyes.

"Gotta run away again?" He said quietly, inching closer to her. His overpowering presence backed her into the wall, jolting her eyes open.

He planted his hands firmly against the wall on either side of her head. Her arms stayed at her sides, palms flat against the wall. His sweet alcohol breath washed over her face, his eyes filled with rancor. She needed to do something to … to defuse things.

Timidly, gently, she wrapped one of her hands around his forearm. She knew she was holding on to the arm of a man that could potentially kill her if he found out that she had kept his son from him. She swallowed hard. She couldn't imagine the emotions churning inside this man she had loved. She had loved him. But she left him and his promise to love her forever just as she was. He never would have tried to change her or been disappointed with what she was not. She choked back a sobbing hiccup.

"So," Jimmy growled menacingly, "he's not mine."

He leaned closer to her. She shook her head desperately. He leaned his forearm against the wall, sliding her hand to his bicep, almost touching her forehead with his. He smelled amazing, like Jimmy: musk and cognac. Unseen muscles deep below her belly tightened at his proximity. She lowered her chin and closed her eyes tightly. He lowered his other hand. He was too close. Breathing his hot and heavy breath wasn't helping her get her own body under control.

"Well then," he breathed over her lips, "maybe we should try again." He smiled an altogether evil smile and reached down, bunching up her skirt in his hand. Her eyes flew open, her head shot back, banging against the plaster wall.

"No! Jimmy!"

He grabbed her skirt with both hands and pressed his hips against hers firmly. She pushed her arms against his chest and neck with a grunt. He grabbed her two wrists with his hands, trapped them in one hand and held them to his chest. She had always felt tiny, but the sudden feeling of helplessness had only rarely come up in her memory. Her father and Wicks. Never as an adult. At least, not until now. He pulled her skirt up with his other hand, finding the slit in her drawers quickly.

"Oh, Lou," he ground out. He pushed his fingers over her stiffened nub, wringing a surprised gasp of humiliating desire from her, and stroked through her very wet lips. He whispered, "Methinks the lady doth protest too damn much."

She shook her head in panic, "Jimmy, please, not this way."

He growled lowly into her ear, "You're mine, Lou. Mine, goddamnit. Do you hear me? Mine."

She heard the unmistakable clinking of his belt buckle and froze, her eyes wide. "God, Jimmy, please, not like this..."

He murmured against her ear, "To think, all those years ago, when the Widow Rawlins said you was glowin'," he pushed his raging heat against her, pushed himself along her dripping core. "An' you said no, over an' over..." She turned her head away from his face, her breath jagged, shame and desire curling deep inside, tears rolling down her cheeks, "You said it was 'cause you was getting' hitched," he growled lowly. Her fear grew as his speech reverted back to his younger way of speaking. She had a horrible sinking feeling that he had lost control of himself and wasn't just trying to scare her anymore.

"Jimmy …" she whimpered brokenly, "please."

He bent his knees, positioning himself at her heat, whispering in her hair, "You was glowin' 'cause of that little man, and you ain't even got the decency to let him know who his daddy is."

As his focus shifted to positioning himself at her entrance, he released her wrists. She sobbed, knowing she had no escape. She reached up and wrapped her arms around Jimmy's neck.

"God, Jimmy, please, this isn't you, please! Beat me, hit me, whip me. God, please, anything but this, please."

Jimmy scoffed, "I wouldn't ever hit you." Damn, she felt perfect. So good. He was damn sure he would be TAKING her tonight. Right now.

Lou pushed back, stared straight in his eyes and asked breathlessly through her tears, "But you would do this? Like Wicks?"

What was she talking about? Like who…? He froze, the memory of her story searing across his brain. Oh, god. Did she say-?

What the hell was he doing? Was this what he meant by wanting "to see her weak, groveling and destroyed"? He pulled back, blinking. Oh, god, no!

He ripped his body away from hers violently, leaving her suddenly without support. She slid down the wall, crumpling into a ball of tears. He stood in shock, standing over her shuddering form, sightlessly. He blinked a few times, finally seeing Lou on the floor. He fell to his knees.

"Oh god, Lou," he reached a shaking hand out to stroke her hair lightly. She flinched away from his touch. "Lou," he whispered. "What...? Oh, god, Lou, I'm … I …." He pulled his hand away and balled it into a fist, covering his mouth with it, breathing raggedly. Without warning, Lou scrambled into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck to cry on his chest.

"I'm so … sorry," she sobbed. "Jimmy … I'm so," she tried to gulp air in between her words, "… I made you do … this …." She wept. Shocked, he wrapped his arms around her, shaking his head, unable to voice his disagreement. She held him so tightly, her shoulder pressing against his throat, strangling him. He couldn't bring himself to remove it. He deserved it. She'd even tried to fight him off. His body shook with shame. What the hell was happening to him? Was he was so obsessed with this woman, he forgot about the man he was supposed to be? He held her tightly. Did he even know who he was anymore?

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**Thank you for your patience, Loyal and Brave reader!**

**Right now, I am taking a 2 1/2 week class 3 days a week, 9-5, and I am getting ready to have some crazy few months ahead. I am packing to prepare for moving, my son is moving out to take on the world all on his own, and just general craziness. So, If you don't hear from me, it's not because I have abandoned you. Truly. I will never abandon my stories. I will try to focus on getting one story completed at a time before I start any more. No promises, because I have LOTS of stories demanding my attention. But I will TRY to keep myself focused on publishing one story at a time. And hopefully, by the fall, things will have settled down, and I will have more time to focus on REGULAR updates of this story and publishing more stories. I am looking forward to sharing more stories with all of you!**

**And, Myrtle... "You are my sun, my moon, my starlit sky. Without you, I dwell in darkness." ;)**


	4. Chapter 4

Previously, on Episode III: Return of My Heart:

"_I'm so … sorry," she sobbed. "Jimmy … I'm so," she tried to gulp air in between her words, "… I made you do … this …." She wept. Shocked, he wrapped his arms around her, shaking his head, unable to voice his disagreement. She held him so tightly, her shoulder pressing against his throat, strangling him. He couldn't bring himself to remove it. He deserved it. She'd even tried to fight him off. His body shook with shame. What the hell happened? Was he was so obsessed with this woman, he forgot about the man he was supposed to be? He held her tightly. Did he even know who he was anymore? _

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They rode slowly, Lou curled up, sleeping in his arms, Sundance picking her way on the road with the remaining evening light, Lightning trailing behind. Jimmy held her tight to his chest, the pressure doing nothing to ease the pain of his heart. He refused to think, could barely breathe. The thoughts came anyway.

He was a monster. That was the only explanation. The stock he came from, his blind reaction. He was becoming his father. Or had he already done that? The well known abolitionist, charismatic and commanding, respected and revered, had a very different face at home. A face that had sent Jimmy fleeing to cower under the bed at any given moment of the day or night. A face that had terrorized him and his mother and sisters with the control he wielded. A face that expressed passions with all the Hickok women that Jimmy later learned should have only been shared with his mother. An evil face he had spent his entire life trying to escape, to fight against. Only to have that evil rear its ugly head inside him. He had known his whole life, had felt something dark inside him, insidiously lurking, waiting for the day when he would lose control. And he did.

There were few people in his life that had seen it. That writer, the Marcus fellow. He'd seen it. The shit he wrote didn't come from nowhere. Kid could, too. Jimmy'd bet everything he had that Kid saw it, felt it, and, in his own self-centered way, tried to keep Lou from it by keeping them apart. Jimmy cursed under his breath. He had worked so hard to be in control at all times. For years he'd worked on it. He growled lowly in frustration. To lose it so completely. So absolutely. And to hurt Lou so damn badly. He looked down at her, her tear streaked face glowing in the fading light.

The pain in his heart could be easily remedied by a bullet to his head. But that wasn't the answer. He couldn't remedy his own pain by running away from this anymore. He needed to work to relieve Lou of her own pain. He had no idea how to. But he would spend the rest of his existence trying to. She and her boy needed him. He didn't care whose boy he was. He could not let them exist in this world without him to protect them. Not anymore. He couldn't allow any reason to come between him and Lou this time.

They came upon Lou's house and a fleeting smile touched his lips. He thought back to when he had come here the first time, deep in conversation with Jeremiah. He remembered thinking, when he saw the place, somehow, it looked like her. A roomy porch with whitewashed slats, a swing, and sky blue walls with white trim around the windows and door. Like he would have envisioned the little girl-turned-boy would have wanted to live if her life was hers to do over and she could do what she wanted to do from the very beginning. Damn. Her whole life had been nothing but a raw deal. And he'd just added to it. His heart hurt again.

Bracing Lou on Sundance, Jimmy dismounted, then pulled her down into his arms gently. He couldn't see if she was asleep or awake. She had passed out in his lap on his floor and he had tucked her under some blankets to rest on the couch while he saddled his horse to bring her home. He didn't give a damn about himself, but he didn't want the tongues wagging about Lou.

Carefully, Jimmy brought her into her house, silently creeping up her stairs to the one that looked lived in and adult-ish. Her bedroom wasn't like the typical female bedrooms he had seen over the years. She had a soothing muted royal blue and deep purple color scheme without a whole lot of ruffles or lace. He hadn't pegged her as a frills lover, and was gratified to see he was right. At least he knew that much about her.

He smiled sadly, bringing Lou to her bed, laying her on top of the bedclothes. He looked around for a nightgown, and found one draped over the back of a chair in front of a little desk with a mirror on top of it. Gently, he released her from the fastenings of her dress, pulling it off her, leaving her in her chemise and pantaloons. The large wet spot that soaked the split in her pantaloons and almost the whole area between her legs filled Jimmy with shame. His eyes watered, but he dashed the moisture away with the back of his hand. He had done that. He had forced that. What had he been thinking? He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly, refusing to let that thought continue downward into his darkness.

His eyes caressed her exposed skin, remembering a day when he had once touched her freely, lovingly and completely. A day when he had run his fingers along her shoulder, following her nightgown over her curves to her hip, teasing her and loving her with everything he had. With everything he was. His stomach lurched in anguish. He shook his head sharply.

Not anymore. Not after what he'd done. He swallowed in guilt and pain. Focusing on her face, not her body, he firmly reminded himself, he pulled her undergarments off with shaking hands and gently slipped her head and arms into her nightgown, averting his eyes again when he pulled the hem over her hips and down. He pulled the covers down on the far side of the bed. It looked like the most used side with a few useful bedtime things like a book and a glass for water. He scooped her up and carefully laid her down under the covers, tucking the blankets around her.

He sat on the bed beside her, lightly caressing her cheek with his finger. He pushed a stray lock of her hair back behind her ear. He touched her hair, stroked it lightly. So long, so different. It wasn't just brown. He'd never thought of that plain and uninspired word when he thought of her hair. For him, he would always see it like he did that night. Their first night together. The night that had changed his life. Her hair in the firelight and moonlight, glowing with both the reds and golds the fire highlighted, and the slight blue that the silvery coolness of the moon brought out. He never would have guessed she would want to keep it as long as this. He wondered if she'd ever cut it after she got married. As long as her hair was, he doubted it. He sighed with longing and regret, as he brushed his fingertips over her cheek once more. Blinking, he realized he had been sitting there staring at her sleeping face, and he didn't know for how long. He moved to stand and he found his arm trapped by clutching hands.

"Jimmy!" Her wide eyes quickly darted around the room. She held his hand to her chest desperately. "Jimmy, don't go! Don't leave me, please."

His heart thumped powerfully in his chest from the unexpected outburst before he calmed himself. She just needs rest. She's not talking about anything but being alone.

He nodded. "Lou, you need your rest." He smoothed his hand over her hair soothingly.

"Jimmy, please, don't leave me, too."

His heart bled. "Lou, you can't possibly want me -"

"Jimmy, please." Her eyes swam with panic and need. Her nails dug into his hand in desperation.

"Lou, it's alright, hun," he murmured soothingly. "Maybe Jeremiah can-"

"Jimmy, no, please, just you. Stay with me, please," she whimpered.

He sighed with his heart in his throat. "Alright, Lou. But I should at least tell Jerry, Theresa and Elias, so they don't worry, right?"

Her hand went slack, staring at the comforter.

"Eli," she whispered.

Jimmy fought a sad smile at how much she looked and sounded like little Elias when the boy had gotten into trouble for wandering away. Had it just been that morning Jimmy had given the boy the lemon stick?

"Jimmy." She looked up at him again, desperation in her eyes. "Please don't leave me. Not again." She whispered, "Not you, too."

He fought the burning behind his eyes as he looked into her panicking eyes, and nodded. Did she even know what she was saying?

He thought for a moment. He was pretty sure this wasn't the first time Elias stayed with his aunt and uncle, and probably wouldn't be the last.

"Let me just put Sundance and Lightning in the stable, alright, Lou?"

She sighed in relief, her whole body relaxing. She slumped into the bed and whispered, "Hurry, Jimmy."

"I'll be ten minutes, alright, Lou?"

She murmured something that sounded like agreement.

Jimmy sighed, running his fingers through his hair as he quickly made his way to the two mares to lead them to the stable. Removing their saddles and blankets, he lightly brushed down the pair and got oats and hay for the duo, and was able to get back to Lou's room quickly.

But not quickly enough, he realized. He arrived in her bedroom doorway greeted by the sound of panicked gulping for air as she cried softly, repeating his name over and over in a litany. Her eyes hadn't left the clock. He realized she had probably started panicking at exactly at ten minutes. He had taken thirteen.

"Lou, oh god, Lou!" He rushed to her side, grabbing her hands with his.

"Jimmy?" She looked around at the sound of his voice.

"Lou." He caressed her hair. "Lou, I'm here. It only took me a little longer than I thought it would. I'm sorry." About so damn much. "I'm here now."

She wrapped her arms around his neck sobbing into his cheek. "I'm sorry Jimmy, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to leave you, I'm sorry!" He blinked, stroking her hair comfortingly. "I won't leave you like that again, I swear! I promise, Jimmy, please believe me. I didn't know …." She sobbed, "I didn't know they were lies. I didn't know it wasn't true. I'm so sorry. Please don't leave me again."

He held her in his arms, closing his eyes against what she was talking about. "Shhhhhh, Lou, sweetheart. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, alright?"

He held her until her heartbeat calmed and her breathing slowed. He moved himself slowly.

"Lou, I just need to take off my boots, belts and other things so I can lie down with you, alright?"

She nodded hesitantly.

Maneuvering around so he always had a hand or arm on her, Jimmy slowly pulled off his jacket, vest and shirt, draping them at the foot of her bed. As he started to remove his belts, the distinctive clinking made Lou's eyes go wide.

"NO!" Her muscles tensed, her arms pushed against his body forcefully.

Jimmy bit back a curse, quickly loosening his arms and raising them up in the air to placate her. She slowly wrapped her arms around him again, calming herself with his warm and solid presence.

"Jimmy, no, please," she whispered.

He clenched his eyes shut, fighting sudden tears and railed at himself. "Lou, shhhh, I'm sorry. Lou, I'm sorry, I forgot. Shhhhhhh... it's alright." He hesitantly patted her back with his hand. He cast around for how to help her and get his belts off at the same time. "Lou?"

She nodded, her head buried in his chest.

"Lou, I need to take off my belts." She shook her head firmly. "Lou," he said, slowly, "why don't you take them off so I can get in bed with you." She stopped, then looked up at him in confusion.

"Me?"

He nodded. "Then you can be in control of it all. You'll know what's happening, 'cause you'll make it happen."

She thought for a few moments. Finally coming to a decision, she nodded her head slowly at first, then strongly and firmly. She pulled herself off of his lap as he reclined back on his elbows. He didn't want to stand, for fear of triggering another panic attack. She needed to be in the position of power.

Her fingers moved across the fastening metal. He couldn't stop himself from thinking of the very first time she removed his belts for him. Against a tree. Under the moonlight. Gilded by firelight. Wrapped up in laughter and love. He wrestled with the memory, pushing it down and away. The last thing he wanted to do right now was to have his body react to the memory of the first time he felt her, explored her, delved into her hot depths with love and desire and need. Shit, damnit, Jim! You are one hot memory away from sending her cowering in the damn corner. Control your damn self! He looked at her to see if he had scared her away yet, and took in her flushed face and trembling hands.

Softly, he asked, "Lou? Are you doing alright?"

She nodded silently and looked up to gaze into his eyes. Jesus, was she remembering, too? He hissed in a breath, clamping his lips together in a thin, determined line.

He saw her lips start to move, and almost didn't hear her talking. He leaned in closer. "When Kid asked me to take him back, he promised a family, a long life, love, and growin' old together."

Jimmy nodded, waiting for her to finish talking. She motioned to his pants, letting him know his belts were done. She didn't say anymore.

He whispered, "Do you mind if I take off my pants, Lou? I've got my long johns on."

She shook her head, allowing him to remove the more constricting clothes he wore. She slipped back under the covers, and folded back the covers on the other side of the bed for him.

"Oh, I was thinking of sleeping on top-"

She shook her head again. His wrinkled forehead and worried eyes made a small smile touch the corners of her lips. She patted the bed where she wanted him to get in. He nodded solemnly, acutely aware of the trust she was placing in him, and determined to be worthy of that trust. He lay down next to her in the bed, on his back. Without warning, she scooted closer to him, pushing his arm out of the way so she could rest her head on his shoulder, wrapping his arm around her own shoulder tightly.

His heart pounded in joy, relief and pain. How could he have ever, even for a moment, thought he hated her? She felt so good. He had never fallen asleep with her in a bed before. Not officially. Not just … holding her. His heart ached. He had missed out on so much. He wanted - he _needed_ to make it all up to her. She deserved so much more than he had to offer her, but he would do his best to make her happy with what he was and what he had. He pulled the covers up over her shoulders and watched her fall into an exhausted sleep.

Not for the first time since seeing her on his doorstep, Jimmy cursed Kid. What the hell did he do to her? 'Don't leave me, _too_'? Damnit, Kid. Were all her reactions a result of his leaving her to go to a damn war that was obviously more important to him than his damn wife was? What kind of scars did that leave on Lou's mind, knowing that the person that claimed up and down to love her had left her so quickly for a bloody, ugly, and death-filled war?

And what didn't she know was a lie? All Kid's empty promises? Is that what she meant by 'he promised a family, long life, love, and growin' old together'? Did Kid even KNOW Elias? Jimmy did some quick calculations, with what little he knew, and what Jeremiah had shared with him. She would have given birth after Kid left. All his promises and he'd left her on her own, alone and without a partner to help her through all that.

Jimmy cursed to himself. Jeremiah would have been all of thirteen, maybe fourteen if he stretched the time frames. Jesus, Theresa even younger?! He hoped to God she'd had enough money and resources for a midwife or doctor, or both, to help her. He needed to find out. He was sure as hell going to thank the living daylights out of whoever was there to help her, if she'd even had help.

He hoped to God she did. He held her tighter.

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She couldn't remember her bed ever being so warm and cozy. She snuggled her back closer to the large, hard mass of heat wrapped around her. The scent of musk and wood and something decidedly crisp and masculine pervaded her entire being as she took a deep breath then raised her eyebrows in sleepy curiosity. Elias wasn't that big, nor did he smell so … manly.

Lou's eyes flew open. She slowly looked over her shoulder at the mass of muscle curled around her entire body. Jimmy. She took a few shallow breaths. What the hell did she DO last night? She thought hard. She remembered a drink. And now she was in her … nightgown? She didn't even remember changing! No, oh god, no, please, no. She squeezed her eyes shut in silent supplication. Not like this. Not drunk. She reached under the covers slowly, not wanting to wake him, and felt his hip. He was wearing something. She sighed raggedly in relief. Good. Very good.

But how did he get in her bed? Under her covers? Feeling so warm and right? No, wait. Was it supposed to feel right? Was she supposed to want it? To like it? Or was she expected to fight it? She didn't want to fight this. Did she? This feeling of Jimmy's whole body pressed against hers, relaxing and sharing rest with her. It was so … much more than she had ever thought it could be. She couldn't even remember how she was supposed to feel about any of this anymore.

His arm wrapped around her snugly, his body molded to hers. His face nuzzled into her neck, sending shivers of excitement skittering down her spine. She could feel every foot of him all along her body and every inch of him against her bottom. She had forgotten about the universality of the morning state of…erm…arousal, feeling him wedged against her bottom.

She had seen it almost daily in the bunkhouse, before the boys had found out she was a girl. And then not too long after that, as they got more accustomed to her being "one of the boys" again. Heat blossomed deep inside her as he moved, pulling her closer to his warm hardness with a sleeping groan. She struggled against the need to rub herself against him to feel him more. She should be pulling away, shouldn't she? Getting up out off the bed?

Her head was on his arm, and she wondered where the hand to that arm was. Until she felt it clench around her breast. The man was _everywhere_ around her. His pelvis started thrusting into her, pulling back, pushing his morning turgidity in between her legs, stopped only by the thin material of her nightdress. She stifled a gasp. His very firm appendage had escaped the confines of his long johns. She tried to feel more upset about it as he pushed his stiffness into her sleeping gown, but couldn't manage that feeling.

His hand that was not on her breast had reached down and was now slowly inching her nightdress up. She felt his lips on her neck, gently mouthing the sensitive flesh, sending shivers of need from his lips straight to her core.

She had mere moments before he would have her gown up and they would be … together. If he was asleep, would it count, if she wasn't able to stop him? If she didn't stop him? She nibbled her lower lip thoughtfully. What if it was an accident? If he pushed himself inside her, claiming her as only he could, creating friction against parts of her that hadn't been touched in years? If she felt him release himself inside her with no frustration, anger, hatred … just a man and a woman, in the deepest throes of ecstasy? Just two bodies together, no emotions, answering the endless thrum of need for fulfillment.

She licked her lips in anticipation and need. Would it be so bad? She'd been so empty for so long. It could just be the one time. Without any expectations. With no past. No future. Just nature taking over. Because, honestly, if Lightning was mounted by some stallion, Lou certainly couldn't see THAT stud staying and cuddling and cooking afterwards. She giggled at the sudden image of a large dark horse wearing Jimmy's frilly apron, pushing around a pan of porridge with its nose. Was what she wanted really so much different? He was so close. His hand. Her nightgown. Her breast. His breath. Did she even want to decide?

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Who the hell was giggling? And damn wiggling? And groaning? And feeling so good, and wet. He pushed his hips forward more to get closer to the goal. Damn, every morning should be like this.

"Jimmy... mmmm..." someone moaned breathily, "Jimmy, please …"

'Jimmy'? Nobody called him 'Jimmy' anymore. Except-His eyes flew open. "Lou!"

He felt his hardness pressing into the heavenly soft flesh between her legs and pulled back in shock.

"Shit, damn!" He pushed himself away from her and rolled across the bed, pushing his protesting raging hardness back into his long underwear, covering himself with the bedding. "Goddamn, Lou! I'm sorry!" He let out a shuddering breath in a futile attempt to purge his body of the residual desire coursing through his veins. He hung his head and whispered, "So goddamn sorry."

Sighing in exasperation, she pushed herself up to lean her back against the headboard of the bed and peered at him curiously, head tilted. She went for the most obvious question first. "Jimmy? Why are you in my bed?"

His head shot up. "You don't remember anything? From last night?"

"I took that drink, that … cognac? You were right. I DID love it." Her eyes danced, even through her shy smile. "But then things get blurry … jumbled." Her forehead wrinkled in concern. "Did we … um …"

Jimmy stuttered for a moment before looking at the clock and realizing he needed to leave before the rest of the town woke up. Sun wasn't up yet. He needed to preserve Lou's reputation. She was looking at him questioningly. What did she ask? OH!

"No! Nono! No... uh, no."

She nodded. She figured she'd be feeling a lot more sore in a whole lot more places if they had.

"So … why … um …"

He had to tell her. His stomach started to churn. He looked down at the bedspread over his legs. She'd probably never want to see him again. Never talk to him again. And he would deserve all that and more. But he had to take care of them, her and Elias. He needed to. Even if she never wanted to see his face again. He'd spend the rest of his days finding ways to take care of her and the boy.

He took a deep breath then looked her in the eyes.

"Lou, last night …" He looked down in shame. He couldn't look into her large brown eyes and not feel like hurting himself deeply. His voice thickened. "Last night, I let my …" Anger? Rage? Jealousy? Wait, jealous of what? Kid? "…emotions get away from me, and get the better of me, and I …," he gulped, "I - I tried to take -"

Lou watched him start to crumble. He couldn't even face her anymore. Her heart beat harder in her chest as he kept turning his head away from her, his actions so reminiscent of Elias when caught in the act of some naughtiness, she almost smiled. He was still just a lost little boy in a man's body, forced to live a man's life and expected to do manly things.

She got up on her knees and scooted to Jimmy, pulling him to her, hugging his head to her chest, ignoring his flinching and attempts to pull away from her. She shushed him gently, smoothing his hair under her hand.

She whispered, "What is it Jimmy?" Though she wasn't sure if she actually wanted to know.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. His arms wrapped around her waist and up her back, reluctantly, yet desperately pulling her body to him. She felt wetness on the bodice of her nightgown and held him tighter.

"No, Lou, I - I don't deserve - I should be the one holding you." Why the hell was her gown wet? He wasn't crying. Damnit, he hadn't cried in years. He didn't even cry when she left him. He was _not_ crying now.

"You- you WERE holding me, weren't you? Last night?"

Jimmy froze. Shit. The truth, damnit. Tell her the truth! A dark voice in his head dissented. He didn't owe her anything.

"Lou, I-I …"


	5. Chapter 5

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Ch. 5 ::::::

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Previously, on Episode III: Return of My Heart:

"_You- you WERE holding me, weren't you? Last night?"_

_Jimmy froze. Shit. The truth, damnit. Tell her the truth! A dark voice in his head dissented. He didn't owe her anything. _

"_Lou, I-I …."_

::::

::::::

::::

"Jimmy?" she whispered.

"Lou …"

"You were holding me." Jimmy nodded in shame. "And I … cried?" Jimmy nodded again. "And you held me till I stopped crying." Jimmy's head shot up, eyebrows furrowed. She gazed at him in confusion. "Why are you always there for me, Jimmy? Even though I know, by now, you hate me. I get it. But why do you keep being there for me?"

He lowered his head, shook it and sighed.

"That's not what happened, Lou." He looked at her in the eye. "Last night, I tried to …" He clenched his jaw. Just spit it out, Jim. If you had the balls to do it, then you sure as hell better have the balls to tell her. He sighed loudly. He hadn't thought of himself as an honorable man for years. What the hell was she doing to him? "R-r-ra-" He stopped and cleared his throat. "I tried to take you," he muttered. Her eyebrows knotted together in consternation. Jimmy sighed and raked his hand through his hair. "Damnit, Lou, I tried to rape you!" His eyes fell to the coverlet in mortification as hers grew big. "It-it wasn't something I planned. It just… happened." Lou's shoulders drooped as she looked at him sadly. "I let myself get… so… God, I dunno, Lou."

She looked at his lowered head with tears in her eyes and murmured, "Why would you want to take what I have been trying to give you since I first saw you on your doorstep, Jimmy?"

"Lou! Damnit!" He ground his teeth in frustration, using every ounce of his willpower to keep his eyes on hers. He would _not_ look at her lips.

"Jimmy! Damnit! I _want_ you to take me, but, you don't want…what? You don't want me to _give_ myself to you?" She trailed off. Was that all she was to him? Someone-some_thing_ to be taken? Like a prostitute? At least they earn money for allowing themselves to be taken. Maybe he didn't want any more than that. Her heart lurched as she prayed silently that this wasn't all it was to him. Did she dare to trust her heart to him?

She closed her eyes for a moment, knowing how foolish she was being, but she couldn't stop herself. "You don't want to … to trust me? To open up to me? You don't want my feelings? _Your_ feelings? What is it, Jimmy? What is it you don't want and we don't have to have it. Please." She hated the pleading note she heard in her voice, but couldn't stop it. She shuddered out a breath, fighting against completely breaking down in front of him. Please let this mean more to him than just one last roll between the sheets. She wrapped her arms around her midsection in a futile search for comfort. She took a deep breath and pushed ahead. "'Cause it's just you and me now, and I- I can't live without you anymore. Please don't make me."

He stared at her for a moment with darkened eyes. "And Elias?" he growled.

She blinked. "Jimmy, you can't… you can't still think that I would… that I have-" She tried a hesitant smile as she trailed off.

His face darkened with a scowl. She couldn't live without him, but she expected him to live without his own damn son. He glared coldly at her stubborn denial.

She hugged herself tighter in the sudden chill. She whispered his name in desperation. His lip curled up in a snarl as he grabbed his clothes and threw them on haphazardly as he continued.

"I think you would, I think you have," he pushed one of his legs into his pants with angry vehemence, "I think you goddamned did, Lou." He pushed his other leg in and stood up, narrowing his eyes at her. "And I think you still are." Buckling his belt violently, he rolled his eyes and clenched his teeth. "You know what, Lou? It don't even matter." His shirt got the same treatment as Jimmy jerked it into place over his shoulders with a snap. "You just keep tellin' yourself what you need to. I'll know the truth." Buttons. Why were there so damn many buttons? And where the hell did they start?! "But I wanna know how the hell _I_ am supposed to trust you with any part of my heart when you can't trust anyone, period. Not even your own damn self. But know this: I will _not_ quit you or him because of it!"

Lou gasped. Her eyes widened. How dare he? Who the hell was he to judge her? It wasn't like she didn't trust _anyone_… Or was it? Who _did_ she trust? She'd never let anyone in after Kid left. But, maybe…maybe she hadn't even trusted herself enough before that. With Jimmy. Was that why she left him? She didn't want to fail at something good like they'd had? She'd failed at being a daughter since she couldn't even keep mama and papa around. She failed at being a girl- well, a _good_ girl- cause she wasn't strong enough or smart enough to keep herself out of trouble like good girls should. Those were such integral parts of her life, if she could fail at those simple things that were as much a part of her as her breathing was, how could she trust herself with anything else? How could she succeed at anything else like a future with Jimmy, something she had _really_ wanted? Something she actually had a choice in.

How…how did he know these things? How did he see these things?

He pulled his jacket on over his clothes. "I am not abandoning you. Ever. You and that boy are mine." He narrowed his eyes at her. "No matter what you want me to believe. You are mine to take care of. To provide for." He pointed at her accusingly. "And I will, damnit!"

Suddenly tired, she sighed warily and wearily and shook her head. "Jimmy, you don't need to. I just want-"

"I don't _need_ to do _shit_, Lou. I _know_ that."

She growled in irritation as he stalked to the bedroom door in frustration. Her voice stopped him with his hand on the door.

"Fine, Jimmy. You want to take care of us? Fine. You want 'responsibilities'? Fine. But don't think that 'providing' for us gives you the right to my body. I will _not_ carry on an illicit affair under the noses of my family. That ship has sailed." She seethed, "So don't you _dare_ touch me again, unless you're ready for _all_ of me. I am _not_ 'servicing' you just because you … you can't hold your liquor, or you think I owe you, or … or you decide to take care of us. You keep your hands to yourself and leave me the hell alone!" She glared at him in challenge.

He pulled himself to his full height and allowed himself to carelessly rake his eyes over her deliciously disheveled body, pushing his unruly desires down.

"Don't worry, sweetheart." He cocked the corner of his mouth up in a derisive smile. "I got plenty of girls at my saloon. I won't be needing your 'services' at all."

Her mouth gaped and her eyes widened in shock. He shot her a lopsided grin and a wink as he walked out her door closing it behind him. Her furious scream preceded a loud thump on the door. He hoped it wasn't something breakable as he headed down the stairs.

::::

Only after Jimmy was on his horse's back and on his way home did his inner voice start on him.

Damnit, Jim! What the hell was that all about? She gave you a damn free pass to do what you wanted to her! And you _left_! Again!

'I didn't want her damn heart! Just her body. Shit, just her lower body, even.'

His inner voice snickered. Sure. Yeah. Whatever. Like you said, you can get that from anywhere. Why do you keep bothering with her?

He sighed loudly. 'She might be the mother of my child.'

Oh, so now we're at 'might be'? You were so damn sure last night.

He pursed his lips. 'Yeah, well, last night, I _might_ have been a little reactionary.' His inner voice snorted and raised an eyebrow. He scowled, his face darkening with a flush. 'I know I wasn't thinking too clearly. I know that. But either way, I'm taking care of them. If he's Kid's son or mine, it don't matter. He's Lou's. He's one of ours. He's part of the family. They all are.' He looked down at Sundance's back in the early morning light. 'I have to take care of them.'

You think it's a good idea to keep putting yourself at her feet? You don't have the best record of control around her.

'Damnit, who the hell else is gonna take care of them?'

Looks like they've been doing fine for years without you? Why do you have to 'rescue' her now, suddenly? Does she need you, really?

'She's Lou! She's goddamned Lou! She doesn't _need_ any damn body.'

Well, except for when she ran off to confront Boggs on her own, or tried to fend off that crazy guy stealing those gold shipments, or ran off and joined that Pike ass (pretty sure Kid would _still_ blame you for that one), or faced Wicks … Damn, that girl is crazy. Her independence might just get that lady killed. Maybe she _does_ need you. Hate to say it, but, maybe Kid's concerns weren't completely unfounded. He just might have had a point?

Jimmy growled. 'No, damnit, no! She has the right to get into whatever scrapes and issues she needs to. What she did weren't no more or less than Buck walkin' into Tompkins' every week, or Ike goin' to get that damn landowner to keep his word, or me shootin' at that damn writer guy. Or me shootin' that damn kid who couldn't find his ass with both hands tied behind his back. Or me shootin'…' He trailed off in his head, not wanting to dredge up the worst moment of his entire life. His first innoc-

He roared in frustration. 'Damnit! Whatever! Either way, it'd be damned nice for her to have a helping hand now and then. No matter how strong she is … or thinks she should be. It's about damn time someone took some of her burden off her. She damn near raised three kids by herself. She deserves some help. I'd do the same if it was any of the other guys, too, and well you know it.'

Hmmm.

::::

She seethed. She glared. She huffed. She couldn't believe Jimmy's callous dismissal of her offer of her heart. After he slept in her bed! And got so close… She sighed longingly. No! No sighing or mooning after him, or daydreaming about his golden brown eyes, or his firm lips that could touch so softly and smile so slyly, no remembering that mouth on her own lips and neck and breasts, and… lower…

She shook her head firmly. Stop it!

But, what did he mean? His saloon girls would 'service' him? Did he use their 'services' often? And, truly, what made her different than them? Just the fact she wasn't going to charge him for her time or body? That he wasn't signing her paycheck? She had opened herself up to him almost immediately and shamelessly when she first saw him on his doorstep. If he hadn't pulled away… She whimpered softly at the memory, the muscles of her core tightening in response, warmth settling down below her belly.

She was helpless around him, and she knew it. Helpless and hopeless. If she were just a little stronger. If only she didn't need him like the air she breathed. She didn't know how to control herself with him. Yet he was the one man that didn't expect her to lift her skirts unless she was absolutely sure. Well, except for the night before, according to Jimmy. But, even then, he pulled back. Obviously. She was pretty sure she'd be a hell of a lot more achy if he had followed through with what he said he had tried to do. He was so very good to her, even when he was at his angriest. She couldn't remember anyone else not following through in anger or desire in her entire life. How different would things be if her childhood hadn't been what it was?

She'd seen so many women with their heads held high, their smug possession of their virtue on display for the whole world to see. She envied them their blind trust and self assurance about how the world was supposed to be. She almost couldn't even remember when she had felt that sure and certain about the way things were supposed to be. Innocent ignorance. She huffed a silent mocking laugh. Penniless orphan girls can't revel in that luxury for long.

There was no use pretending. She couldn't fit in with these society ladies. Who was she fooling but herself? No matter how much she acted like a contributing member of society, she'd always be that poor little orphan that couldn't even take care of herself, never mind the two siblings that had looked at her with their big, frightened eyes after Mama lost her battle with her illness. She was probably no better than the saloon girls working for Jimmy. But he didn't need to know that. Unless he already did. He always saw so much and felt so deeply. He knew more about her inner workings than she did. But would he still be able to accept her as she was? As flawed and guilt ridden as she was? The thought that he might not be able to caused an ache in her heart that threatened to bring her to tears.

When Jeremiah announced loudly, "I'll get it," and leapt for the door, Lou started, then had to shake her head. She hadn't heard the knock on the door. If the brilliant reds, oranges and golds lighting up the clouds in the evening sky were any indication, she hadn't heard anything all day.

Theresa was in the kitchen making something that smelled deliciously beefy and savory, and it looked like Jeremiah must have been working on some whittling project at the table, judging by the pieces of wood and shavings there.

Lou looked at the feather duster in her hand and closed her eyes in disbelief. When- ? She shook her head in concern. What was happening to her? Well, of course, besides the spurned love of her life showing up and turning her whole world upside-down.

Theresa's delighted gasp and the sound of moving and shuffling in the doorway caught Lou's attention out of her pondering. She dropped the duster next to the hearth and made her way to the noise. Jeremiah appeared through the door with a large box of food.

"Jeremiah! What-?" She didn't even know what to ask.

With his hands full, he shrugged and pointed towards the door with his chin, placed the box of food on the counter nearest the pantry, cleared his pieces of wood off of the table, then walked back out to a wagon parked out front.

When Jimmy came through the door with another large box, this one full of supplies, her heart stuttered momentarily, then flared to an erratic beat as warmth expanded from her heart directly to the apex of her thighs. She struggled to get her eager bodily reactions to him under control. She tried to remind herself that she was supposed to be upset with him from that morning. It wasn't working.

Then, Lou's eyes widened as she saw the items in Jimmy's arms. In the box Jimmy carried she could see thick bolts of gorgeous cloth that made her fingers just itch to touch them, and some carved pieces of wood and rounded metal things that looked somewhat like blocks, little wagons, horses and tiny cannons.

He stopped, raising an eyebrow at her. He was still scruffy, with a slight growth of beard. He smelled like alcohol and musk and freshly chopped wood.

"Jimmy! What-?"

Jeremiah pushed through the door behind Jimmy with a " 'scuse me," another large box in his arms, pushing Jimmy closer to Lou and out of the doorway. She caught her breath at the proximity of his warmth as he moved. They both stepped to the table where he deposited his full box with a crooked smile.

"Jimmy, did you buy all this? For us?!" She looked up at him in disbelief.

Jimmy shrugged, scratching the back of his neck and trying not to look at Lou sheepishly then he straightened up, realizing how guilty he looked.

"Wha-? No!" he denied emphatically, shaking his head while pursing his lips and wrinkling his forehead and nose in a carefully crafted look of careless dismissal. "Nah, it's just some extra stuff I had lying around. Figured you could use it. I sure as hell can't."

Lou narrowed her gaze at Jimmy's avoidance. Huh. Doth protest too much, indeed. Her eyebrows knotted, wondering where that thought came from.

He gestured vaguely around the room. "Nice place you got here." He shook his head at himself. Subtle, James. Real subtle. A hardened gunfighter and well versed poker player like himself really should know better than to toss out diversionary tactics that no one was looking for or cared about. Still, it probably wouldn't do to let her siblings know he had already been here and spent the night, even though nothing actually happened. His stomach flipped. Not that he wouldn't have wanted to continue-

With a long suffering sigh, Lou asked, "Jimmy, dooo I _look_ like a charity?" She pursed her lips suspiciously.

The effect of the threatening scowl on her face was lessened considerably by Theresa's squeal of delight upon touching the bolts of luxurious fabrics in the box Jimmy had carried in. And Lou's eyes that grew huge at the sight of the smaller yet equally impressive box of bright and fresh oranges Jeremiah was just bringing through the door.

Jimmy raised his eyebrow. "You were saying?" he prompted dryly.

She shook her head and sighed heavily. "Jimmy, we don't need all this? What are you doing?"

He glared at her, tired of her pride and independence. His inner voice whispered, "Yeah, Kid probably had a really good point.' Jimmy shushed the voice in exasperation and rolled his eyes at Lou.

"Damnit, Lou, just take the damn stuff. Maybe you can do something with it. I can't do nothin' with it." He shrugged helplessly. "Maybe you can make something for Elias. Or you and Theresa can make dresses to sell with this shi-er-stuff. I dunno! Just take it, damnit!"

He stormed out the door with a huff. Lou glared at his back in frustration. 'Make something for Elias.' She let out a deep breath, her expression softening. Maybe he really did want to take care of them. She watched him through the kitchen window grabbing another box from the wagon. Not that she needed taking care of, she qualified then sighed again, this time in resignation. Though, it did feel kind of nice to not be the only one worrying about their little family, for once.

Her forehead smoothed out as she became pensive. Jerry and Theresa worked their butts off daily to help them keep this house and the shop, but for five years, she had always been the one responsible for paying the bills, the rent, making sure the pantry and larder were properly stocked, making sure food was on the table for all of them. She planned the meals for the week and shopped accordingly. She budgeted, she distributed the money where it needed to go, she stressed when they were short for the month, and she was the one that everything came down on if something didn't get taken care of.

Not that she would ever want to depend on Jimmy for that sort of thing. Or anything, really… But would it be so bad? Uncertainty clouded her face. He brought in another box, maneuvering around Theresa who was holding the door. He didn't seem to be stopping. Flour, lard, butter, ham. Lou lost track of all the things that were coming into the house. Things they so desperately needed. He didn't seem to want to stop. She wondered if he would keep bringing needed things even if she refused to open the door to him.

She let out a slightly frustrated huff of breath. It wasn't like she was letting him move in and take over. She stopped and waited for the irritation at the idea of Jimmy taking charge to wash over her. It didn't. Huh. That idea didn't upset her. That actually might be nice. She watched Jeremiah bring another loaded box in.

The left side of her mouth twitched into a small smile. Jimmy. Here. Another grown person to talk to, to smile at, to laugh with. A hug from someone stronger than her, a backrub, holding a hand that's not sticky... The little things. Not!… Not that she'd be doing that with Jimmy. She agreed with herself internally.

She watched the object of her thoughts squat down to put another box near the pantry entrance, the muscles in his butt catching her attention as they worked powerfully beneath his taut pants. She swallowed, thinking of the power he had put behind every thrust when she had been wrapped around him so long ago. She shook her head and tried to ignore the throbbing ache that had started growing between her thighs. That could never happen again.

She would have to be careful. Vigilant. Having him around more would mean more exposure to each other. More opportunities to slip up, and forget her ultimatum from this morning. Of course, she'd never purposely try to compromise herself or him. Never, she reassured herself, as she tried to shut out images of late nights, a drink or two with Jimmy by the fire, talking to him softly, his deep voice growling back at her, triggering all sorts of delicious reactions in her body, his eyes darkening with desire, the alcohol taking just enough of the edge off of her inhibitions to allow her respond to her own needs… Her nipples tightened in anticipation.

What would it be like to "play house" with him? She caught her lower lip between her teeth pensively. Rubbing elbows in the kitchen together, bathing and tucking in Elias together, sharing the empty space in her bed with him. Her eyes closed as she sighed. Another person in the family to help shoulder the burden of home life: the family, the bills, the shopping, the cooking… well, maybe not the cooking. Her eyes opened slowly as she almost succeeded in stifling a snicker.

Hearing her small laugh, Jimmy curiously looked up at her from the box he was just placing on the floor. His eyes crinkled in a small smile, then he glanced around at the inhabitants of the rooms.

"Where's Elias?"

"He's asleep." Lou inclined her head towards the stairs. "Would you… like to see him?" She kicked herself mentally as the words tumbled out of her mouth. No, damnit, Lou, no! This is not that imaginary world of rainbows and butterflies and happily ever after! She sighed inwardly in resignation. But really, what could it hur-

"He goes to bed this early?" Jimmy raised his eyebrows in curiosity.

Lou's shy smile fell and her eyes narrowed. Not him, too. Damnit.

She stifled a growl and suggested coldly, "Jimmy, what you know about rearin' a child would fit in a thimble. I'll raise my boy as I see fit. You can give me advice after you've successfully raised your own. And when you do have your own child, you can put them to bed in your own time frame."

His jaw dropped and eyebrows rose in shock. And pain. She saw the wave of pain before he schooled his features into a careless facade. He lowered his eyelids in nonchalance.

"Well, Lou, seeing as how the opportunity has… eluded me," he shot a pointed look at Lou, "I'll keep my questions about _your_ family to myself."

He smiled faintly, to belie the pain of what suddenly felt like internal bleeding, and walked out the still open door, passing Jeremiah on his way out.

"Last box, Mr. James! And thanks again!"

Without turning back, Jimmy raised his hand and waved once in acknowledgement and departure.

Jeremiah's brow furrowed. "Huh. That's the second time he's left without saying goodbye."

Lou nodded distractedly, a knot of guilt tying up her stomach. How could she have said that? Sure, she'd heard parenting advice from every damn person and their uncle, but, did she really think Jimmy meant it as anything other than simple curiosity? He wasn't a parent. He didn't know what those kinds of questions mean. Why was she being so deliberately cruel to him? Payback for him _wanting_ her? He'd been wanting her since… since… Her eyes stung. She was the one that left him. Left him angry, sad, and alone. She had no call to treat him so badly.

He was just trying to help, wasn't he? Or something. Maybe he felt guilty about whatever happened last night and wanted to make up for it. But then wouldn't flowers have done the trick and not a wagon full of staples _and_ luxuries?

She sighed loudly, forgetting her surroundings momentarily. Damnit, Jimmy. She sat down wearily on the couch and watched her siblings excitedly and unabashedly tearing through the boxes Jimmy had brought. Bolts of such expensive material just lying around, indeed. She scoffed, ignoring the tingling in her fingertips, the urge to touch it, to run her fingers along the vibrant colors vying with her confusion about Jimmy.

Either way, she could make some gowns that even the richest of the Ladies' Welcoming Committee would love. Since most of the dances and gatherings held in the city proper were but a scant half hour away from their little outskirt town, most of their small society would be attending most, if not all of the various "to-dos" happening in town. The residents of this small town liked the convenience of the larger city being nearby, but desired the quiet stillness of the small town.

As did Lou. And apparently, as did Jimmy. Her head started throbbing. Why did he need to- no, why did he _feel_ the need to do this. All this. Something niggled at the back of her mind. She stared at the boxes.

For an hour and a half, she watched her siblings behave like it was Christmas morning until her weary brain finally fit the pieces into place. He had a box of _oranges_ just lying around?! She raised her hand to her forehead, resting her face in her palm for a moment, before breathing deeply. 'Not growling, just breathing,' she assured herself and reached for a riding jacket.

:::

The lack of an answer to her insistent knocking prompted Lou to curiously try the door handle, which turned easily. She called out, to no reply, but saw light flickering from the study. It had barely been two hours since he had left her house on the heels of her cruel words. She wasn't sure what kind of welcome she'd be getting from him. Taking a fortifying breath, she made her way to his study, only to hesitate in the doorway, taking in the scene. Jimmy was slumped on the couch, legs sprawled out in front of him, a listing glass of some dark colored liquid, alcohol, she assumed, hanging precariously from his outstretched arm, teetering between his fingers.

She had scented alcohol on him when he was delivering the wagon-load of supplies. How much had he drunk before he even got to her house? Was this his regular drinking thing or was he purposely trying to kill himself? Had she brought him to this point with her harsh words?

He tilted his head back allowing one of his glassy, bloodshot eyes to open and peer at her, the spark of life drained from its dark depths before turning and focusing back on his drink. Ignoring her aching heart, she broke the silence softly.

"Jimmy? What-what is this?"

Both eyes now looked up from his barely balanced glass in confusion. "Huh?"

"What is all this? All that…stuff? All…this? You…me… I just don't get it."

Jimmy glared at her as she continued.

"Every time you look at me, your eyes tell me that you hate me, that you'll never trust me … but you won't leave me alone. And then you tell me you - you accosted me last night. Was all that, the boxes of food and damn near anything else under the sun…was that because of your guilt? Was last night some kind of revenge?" She lowered her voice slightly when he winced. Was it? She didn't think she wanted to know. Maybe she should just stop. Her mouth kept going. "Did…do you really want to hurt me so much…did you really want to destroy me inside that much? Was- was that what happened to you? Is that what," she gulped, then whispered, "I did?"

He flinched as though she'd hit him, the liquid in his glass sloshing at his sudden movement. He drank the potent liquid quickly, welcoming its fiery burn down into his gullet. He didn't want to remember anymore. But he couldn't stop the memories from flowing.

She had left him. And he had died that day. The boy that was Jimmy died that day, allowing that darkness, that evil, what he had, unfairly perhaps, called Wild Bill, to take over and live his life for him, in anger and hatred, seeking revenge on a woman he would never see again. So he took it out on himself. Drinking, whoring, gambling, gunfights at the drop of a hat. Everything he had done had been to keep the world away from his soul-deep pain.

Until she had come back into his life. On his doorstep. With a damn welcome basket. Bringing back his heart. Bringing back his soul. He glared in her general direction then fixed his bloodshot eyes on her.

He rasped, "When you left me, you told me you never wanted to hurt me. Ya know," he smiled sarcastically, his face filled with regret, "that's what people always say… right before they hurt you." His smile faded. He filled up his glass with more brandy and tossed it back, then stared into the fire. "I tried, Lou. I tried so hard, but I - I can't look at you and not see you walking away. I can't - I can't let go of this…Lou, I get so angry, sometimes I - I just can't see straight!" He whispered hoarsely, "Just so…angry. Helpless." He looked into her eyes. "Fucking helpless."

She nodded, looking at him with tears in her eyes. The words "I'm sorry" just seemed so trite and pointless. She stood there, impotent and ashamed.

He looked at the fire again. "It burns sometimes, this emptiness, this aching, this - this … An'- an' I wanna touch you, so bad, so hard, so - so deep..." He closed his eyes. "Again."

Her breath caught at his words, heat curling in her muscles between her legs at the memory of him touching her deeply in the places that only he could reach.

"But I can't stop seein' you leave. That night. That night you an' me made Elias." She opened her mouth, but he silenced her with a clumsy dismissive wave of his hand. "I know we did, damnit. I know it was that night. Then - then you married him… an' you left…again." His eyes blinked slowly, struggling to focus on her face as he whispered, "An' now I can't feel nothin' for nobody no more." He looked down at the carpet. "That's good, right? 'Cause now, nobody can hurt me."

Her eyebrows furrowed in guilt and pain. She couldn't think of anything to say. There was nothing to say. She knew she had hurt him that day. The day she left him with a letter and her tears. She had hurt him, but he hadn't shown any signs after that. He had looked out for her, took care of her, even counseled her when things got hard between her and Kid. She thought he'd moved on. Or at least let go. Had she just been ignoring the pain in his eyes because she hadn't wanted to see it? She didn't want to face it? Or him? Or what she had done to him?

"Except for you." He pointed an unsteady finger at her. "I don't… I didn't… I don't know what happened last night. I was just so… damn angry. I was mad. I think I went mad. And what if… what if I… what if it happens again?" He looked at her with glassy eyes that pleaded for her to understand. "I can't trust myself to not go to that place again. Not with all this… Not with everything… Lou, I never want to do that again. I spent years, Lou, _years_ hating you. But I never thought I'd see you again. I never thought _I'd_ become something I hated, too.

"I can't be what you need. I know. I know this. 'S'alright. I already know I'll never be what you need. But, maybe, at least, I can take care of you. Of you and Elias." He hurried to fill the gap before Lou could speak. "At least until you find the one that you need. An'- an' I won't go gettin' in your way if you find someone. I- I can watch Elias for ya," his voice raised hopefully. "If ya wanna go on outings and such when you have a beau."

His gut wrenched at the thought of someone else's arms around her, touching her, loving her. He pushed down the bile with sheer determination alone. He needed her to understand.

"I jus' don't wanna lose out on him growin' up. I- I don't care who you say his pa is, Lou. I jus'… I just can't be without him," he slurred carefully.

He turned his gaze back to his glass, smugly proud of himself for not including, 'And you.' He sloshed more brandy in his cup, and swirled it around, staring into its dark amber depths.

Lou sighed in resignation. He was in no condition to hear her disagree with anything. She held her hand out for his glass.

"I-I think that's enough, Jimmy," she whispered.

Jimmy blearily fixed a gimlet glare on her. "This don't change nothing, here, though." He waved his open hand back and forth between the two of them clumsily. His voice lowered and his words slipped more in his total inebriation. "There ain't nothin' you can do to det-dit-det … change my mind."

He downed his last glassful then pressed the empty vessel into her waiting hand. She took it to his liquor hutch as he keeled over onto his right side, resting his head on the arm of the couch. She pulled a pillow from one of the sitting chairs, and moved back to the couch, sticking the pillow under his head and lifted his legs up onto the couch, removing his boots with a small struggle. She placed his large boots on the floor then shook her head in mild exasperation at his large frame sprawled out on his couch. His eyelids were heavy with his encroaching alcoholic stupor. She wondered again how much he'd had even before he came to her house. And how badly her words had hurt him for him to get to this level of drunkenness so quickly. Lou reached over him to pull the afghan resting on the back of the couch, and draped it over him.

She lowered herself to perch on the edge of the couch next to his chest and gazed at him, brow wrinkled with remorse. She watched her hand come up, without her permission, to wipe a drop of moisture off his cheek with her finger. She stared at the wet streak on his face, wondering where it came from, until she felt herself hiccup with a tiny sob. She sat up, realizing her face was wet with tears that wouldn't stop.

She had destroyed the one good thing in her life five years ago. She had destroyed Jimmy. There was no forgiveness for that. Even if he found it in himself to let it go, she never could.

She reached up again to touch his face and trail a finger over his cheek before smoothing a lock of his unruly hair behind his ear. Without warning, his hand shot up and wrapped around the back of her neck, pulling her head down to his face. She inhaled his musky, alcohol laden scent, and fought the urge to close the distance between them and press her lips to his lips, to his cheek, his chin, his neck, his-

"I can't believe Kid's gone and I'm still here," he mumbled into her ear. "I guess it's true what they say. The Devil truly _does_ protect his own."

Her eyes shot up to look at his now closed eyes. Oh, god. She wasn't even good enough for the Devil's protection.

His head dropped back onto the pillow, his hand slackened its grip, falling onto his chest. Soft snores reverberated from him.

::::

**:: ****Thank you to ABC's Castle for their quote that just struck such a chord with me. **

**:: And thank you to you, my readers, for your patience and excitement and love. It is palpable. **

**:: And OMG, THANK YOU Ethel for beta-ing and helping me see what I was writing when I became too immersed to comprehend what I was writing or reading! And you have some pretty spectacular ideas, too!**

**I will be AWOL (cause I KNOW y'all won't wanna give me leave, but I'll hafta take it anyway) moving. I hope I will be back before the end of October, but I cannot promise anything. I have more chapters getting needing a fine tooth comb, some more scenes, and some brushing up, and even more chapters that have themes and goals and outlines that I will be writing … eeeeeventually… **

**Stay strong, and Ride Safe!**


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